Musician Jokes – page 2

Welcome to the Worlds Largest Collection of Musician Jokes, No instrument, musician or music style is sacred here.

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* Some jokes are Politically incorrect, off color, slightly suggestive and laced with moderate bathroom humor but the X, XX, XXX stuff is not here … Brought to you by the good folks at: www.ducksdeluxe.com your 7 year old twin sisters have to be able to look at this page without getting into trouble… Enjoy! Dr.Duck

The Worlds Largest Collection of Musician Jokes does not necessarily express the views of Willy’s Custom Guitar Repair or Ducks Deluxe (they are just jokes…) Let the jokes begin…


 

~THE GUITAR PLAYER CHILI TASTER~

Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was playing a gig in Texas:

Recently, I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon right after doing 5 sets of hardcore country rock with 3 encores when the call came. The other two judges (Native Texans) assured me that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, about the same as usual. And besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her.

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili that slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful, and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

FRANK: (Editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)


 


~EXPRESSIONS TO AVOID During A Recording Session~
(From Steely Dan’s Web Site)

1.Ready, Freddie (pronounced red-eye fred-eye)
2.Bingo, gringo
3.Uno, Bruno
4.The phones sound O.K. but I need more of myself
5.We won’t need a click
6.I like what you’re trying to do but not the way you’re doing it
7.An excellent first attempt
8.Was that the sound you had on the demo?
9.Make the click louder
10.That was a pretty good take for this time of night
11.If you want the tempo any brighter than that, we better wait for a sunny day
12.No dynamics? We’re playing as loud as we can
13.I think that’s a pretty good sounding take for what were getting paid..
14.That was great, let’s do it again
15.Is that about as tight as you boys want to get it?
16.Is it possible the click is speeding up?
17.I’m at the point where I’m making dumb mistakes – before I was making much smarter mistakes
18.So many drummers, so little time
19.Why don’t we do the double first and the lead will be easier to get once we’ve got the double
20.I never had this problem when I was being produced by Lenny and Russ
21.We got some things, we need some things
22.Fabulous
23.Punch in at the section
24.You can’t make ice cream out of shit
25.You can’t polish a turd
26.Just let your spirit soar
27.My spirit’s already sore from the last thirty takes…
28.Close
29.Less is more
30.Less is Paul
31.Less is Brown
32.Less is less
33.That’s the way I’ve been playing it all along
34.I just wish I could get a whole band that sounds as good as I do
35.This will be a great opportunity for me to show off my chop
36.Let’s hear the bass, if you can call it that
37.Play something Paul would tell Linda to play
38.Does your amp have an underdrive channel?
39.You can erase that one, I remember exactly what I played
40.We’ll catch that in the mix
41.You guys can fix that in Soundtools, right?
42.I brought my kid along, he’s never been in a recording studio before
43.My girlfriend sings great background vocals
44.I know a great drummer
45.You guys want to try some heroin?
46.Your girlfriend’s been in the bathroom a long time
47.Please, man, stay away from my faxes, okay?
48.I’m not going to be any more dishonest with you than I am with Donald
49.I’d like a little more of a live feeling on this tune.
50.I also play eleven other instruments
51.Sorry I’m late, I just got through with my blood test (or CAT scan)
52.That vocal’s not a keeper is it?
53.That’s how I wrote it but that’s not how I like to play it
54.I can’t think of any improvements that won’t make it worse
55.That ground loop is a trademark thing for me
56.That’s the new old comp from today – I want to hear the new old comp from last Tuesday
57.That reverb would sound a lot better if it were coming out of a piece of MY GEAR
58.How bout we get rid of these 3M machines and get ourselves a frozen yogurt machine
59.Roz Shrank on line one for you
60.Skunk called, he’s on his way down
61.The frozen yogurt machine is broken
62.When was the last time we worked together? Tonight.

~36 RULES FOR BANDS:~

1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Your manager’s not helping you. Fire him/her.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word “recoupable” in the dictionary.
4. No one cares who you’ve opened for.
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more “important”.
6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it’s time to break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don’t act like you’re unfamiliar with their music (“Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?”)
9. Asking a crowd how they’re doing is just amplified small talk. Don’t do it.
10. Don’t say your video’s being played if it’s only on the Austin Music Network.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention “artistic freedom” and “a guaranteed 3 record deal”.
12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
13.Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
16. Never enter a “battle of the bands” contest. If you do you’re already a loser.
17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: “rock opera”, “white rapper”, “blues jam”, “swing band”, “open mike”, etc.
18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
19. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it’s rock ‘n’ roll, not a soccer game. They’ve gotta stop coming to your shows.
20. It’s not a “showcase”. It’s a gig that doesn’t pay.
21. No one cares that you have a web site.
22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
23. Don’t hire a publicist.
24. Playing in San Marcos & Alpine doesn’t mean you’re on tour.
25. Don’t join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don’t join a cover band.
26. Although they come in different styles and colours, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
27. Don’t stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That’s what girlfriends/boyfriends are for.(“and/or lead singers!” -Timbo)
28. If you use a smoke machine your music sucks.
29. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
30. Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
31. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.
32. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
33. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
34. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
35. Rock oxymorons; “major label interest”, “demo deal”,” blues genius”, “$500 guarantee”, and “Fastball’s second hit”.
36. 3 things that are never coming back: a)gongs, b)headbands, and c)playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.

So, how many have YOU broken?


 


~A Definition of the Orchestra~

The members of the orchestra are divided into four sections. These are woodwinds, the strings, the brass, and the percussion. There’s also someone standing in front of all these other folks playing no instrument at all. This would be the conductor. It is generally required that the conductor is required to make musical decisions and to hold all of the instruments together in a cohesive interpretation of any given work. Not so. Rather, the conductor is necessary because the four groups would rather eat Velveeta than have anything to do with someone from another section. And, as we know, musicians are quite serious about their food.

Why all the animosity? Before I begin my explanation, let me set the record straight in plain English about some of the characteristics which typify the four groups.

Woodwind players have IQs in the low- to mid- genius range. Nerds with coke-bottle glasses and big egos, blowers tend to be extremely quiet, cowering behind bizarre-looking contraptions — their instruments — so nobody will notice them. It is often difficult to discern whether a wind player is male or female.

String players are neurotic prima donnas who won’t even shake your hand for fear of permanent injury. A string player will never look you directly in the eye and they never bathe carefully … or often.

Brass players are loud-mouthed drunkards who bully everyone with the possible and occasional exception of a stray percussionist. They like to slick their hair back. Nobody knows why.

Percussionists are insensitive oafs who constantly make tasteless jokes at the expense of the strings and woodwinds. They look very good in concert attire but have the worst table manners of all musicians. They are always male, or close enough.

Now, is it any wonder orchestra members have little to do with anyone outside of their own section? For the answer to this and other pertinent questions we will need to examine the individual instrument and the respective — if not respected — players within each section.
The woodwinds:

Oboe players are seriously nuts. They usually develop brain tumors from the extreme air pressure built up over the years of playing this rather silly instrument. Oboists suffer from a serious Santa Claus complex, spending all their waking hours carving little wooden toys for imaginary children, although they will tell you they are putting the finishing touches on the world’s greatest reed. Oboists can’t drive and always wear clothes one size too small. They all wear berets and have special eating requirements which are endlessly annoying and which are intended to make them seem somewhat special.

English horn players are losers although they dress better then oboists. They cry at the drop of a beret.

Bassoon players are downright sinister. They are your worst enemy, but they come on so sweet that it’s really hard to catch them at their game. Here’s an instrument that’s better seen than heard. Bassoon players like to give the impression that theirs is a very hard instrument to play, but the truth is that the bassoon only plays one or two notes per piece and is therefore only heard for a minute in any given evening. However, in order to keep their jobs — their only real concern — they act up a storm doing their very best to look busy.

It takes more brawn, and slightly less brain, to play contrabassoon. They are available at pawnshops in large numbers — the instruments as well as the players — and play the same three or four numbers as the tuba, although not quite as loud or beautiful.

Okay, now we come to the flute. Oversexed and undernourished is the ticket here. The flute player has no easier time of getting along with the rest of the orchestra than anyone else, but that won’t stop them from sleeping with everyone. Man and woman alike, makes no difference. The bass flute is not even worth mentioning. Piccolos, on the other hand, belong mainly on the fifty yard line of a football field where the unfortunate audience can maintain a safe distance.

The clarinet is, without a doubt, the easiest of all orchestral instruments to play. Clarinets are cheap, and the reeds are literally a dime a dozen. Clarinetists have lots of time and money for the finest wines, oriental rugs, and exotic sports card. They mostly have no education, interest, or talent in music, but fortunately for them they don’t need much. Clarinets come in various sizes and keys — nobody knows why. Don’t ask a clarinetist for a loan, as they are stingy and mean. Some of the more talented clarinets can learn to play the saxophone. Big deal.
Let’s continue now with the real truth about … the strings.

We begin with the string family’s smallest member: the violin. The violin is a high-pitched, high-tension instrument. It’s not an easy instrument to play. Lots of hard music is written for this instrument. Important things for a violinist to keep in mind are: Number one — the door to your studio should be left slightly open so that everyone can hear your brilliant practice sessions. Number two: you should make disparaging remarks about the other violinists whenever possible, which is most of the time. And number three: you should tell everyone how terribly valuable your instrument is until they drool.

The viola is a large and awkward instrument, which when played, sounds downright disgusting. Violists are the most insecure members of the string section. Nothing can be done about this. Violists don’t like to be made fun of and therefore find ways of making people feel sorry for them. They were shabby clothes so that they’ll look as if they’ve just been dragged under a train. It works quite well.

People who play the cello are simply not good looking. They have generally chosen their instrument because, while in use, the cello hides 80% of its player’s considerable bulk. Most cellists are in analysis which won’t end until they can play a scale in tune or, in other words, never. Cellists wear sensible shoes and always bring their own lunch.

Double bass players are almost completely harmless. Most have worked their way up through the ranks of a large moving company and are happy to have a secure job in a symphony orchestra or anywhere. The fact that it takes at least ten basses to make an audible sound tends to make these simple-minded folks disappear into their woodwork, but why do they drive such small cars?

Harpists are gorgeous. And they always know it. They often look good into their late eighties. Although rare as hen’s teeth, male harpists are equally beautiful. Harpists spend their time perfecting their eye-batting, little-lost-lamb look so they can snare unsuspecting wind layers into carrying their heavy gilded furniture around. Debussy was right – harpists spend half their life tuning and the other half playing out of tune.

Pianists in the symphony orchestra work the least and complain the most. They have unusually large egos and, because they can only play seated, also have the biggest butts. When they make mistakes, which is more often than not, their excuse is that they have never played on that particular piano before. Oh, the poor darlings.
The brass:

Trumpet players are the scum of the earth. I’ll admit, though, they do look good when they’re all cleaned up. They’ll promise you the world, but they lie like a cheap rug. Sure, they can play soft and pretty during rehearsal, but watch out come concert time! They’re worse than lawyers, feeding off the poor, defenseless, weaker members of the orchestra and loving every minute of it. Perhaps the conductor could intercede? Oh, I don’t think so.

Trombone players are generally the nicest brass players. However, they do tend to drink quite heavily and perhaps don’t shine the brightest headlights on the highway, but they wouldn’t hurt you and are the folks to call with all your pharmaceutical questions. They don’t count well, but stay pretty much out of the way anyway. Probably because they know just how stupid they look when they play. It’s a little-known fact that trombone players are unusually good bowlers. This is true.

The French horn. I only have two words of advice: stay away. Horn players are piranhas. They’ll steal your wallet, lunch, boyfriend, or wife or all the above given half a chance or no chance at all. They have nothing to live for and aren’t afraid of ruining your life. The pressure is high for them. If they miss a note, they get fired. If they don’t miss a note, they rub your nose in it and it doesn’t smell so sweet.

The kind-hearted folks who play the tuba are good-looking and smart. They’d give you the shirt off their back. The tuba is one of the most interesting to take in the bath with you. It’s a crying shame that there’s only one per orchestra. Would that it could be different.
And finally — the percussion.

These standoffish fools who get paid perfectly good money for blowing whistles and hitting things that don’t deserve the considerable space they are allotted on the stage. Aside from the strange coincidence that all percussionists hail from the Deep South, another little known, but rather revealing fact, is there are no written percussion parts in the standard orchestral repertory. Percussion players do have music stands and they do use them — to look at girlie magazines. Percussionists play whatever and whenever they damn well feel like it and it’s always too loud! The ones with a spark of decency and intelligence play timpani, or kettle drums. Most percussionists are deaf, but those who play kettle drums pretend to tune their instruments for the sake of the ignorant and easily duped conductor. The guy with the short nose who plays the cymbals is no Einstein, but he’s also one of the best guys to share a room with on tour. Cymbal players don’t practice — I guess they figure it’s bad enough to have to listen to those things at the concert. Percussionists pretend to have lots of kids whose toys can be seen quite often shaken, dropped, or manhandled to great effect. Whole percussion sections can be seen and now and then on various forms of public transportation, where they practice getting up and down as a group. This represents the only significant challenge to a percussionist.

And that just about does it. I trust that this little tour has enlightened you just a little bit to the mysterious inner world of the symphony orchestra. This world, one which is marked by the terrible strain of simple day-to-day survival, is indeed not an easy one. Perhaps now you will be a bit more understanding of the difficulties which face a modern-day concert artist. And so the next time you find yourself at the symphony, take a moment to look deeply into the faces of the performers on the stage and imagine how much more difficult their lives are than yours. This is surely what’s on their minds … if anything.


 


~Great Lies of The Music Business~

The booking is definite

Your check’s in the mail

We can fix it in the mix

This is the best dope you’ve ever had

The show starts at 8

My agent will take care of it

I’m sure it will work

Your tickets are at the door

It sounds in tune to me

Sure, it sounds fine at the back of the hall

I know your mic is on

I checked it myself

The roadie took care of it

She’ll be backstage after the show

Yes, the spotlight was on you during your solo

The stage mix sounds just like the program mix

It’s the hottest pickup I could get

The club will provide the PA and lights

I really love the band

We’ll have it ready by tonight

We’ll have lunch sometime

If it breaks, we’ll fix it for free

We’ll let you know

I had nothing to do with your marriage breaking up.

The place was packed

We’ll have you back next week

Don’t worry, you’ll be the headliner

It’s on the truck

My last band had a record deal, but we broke up before recording the album

Someone will be there early to let you in

I’ve only been playing for a year

I’ve been playing for 20 years

We’ll have flyers printed tomorrow

I’m with the band

The band drinks free

You’ll get your cut tonight

We’ll supply someone for the door

You’ll have no problem fitting that bass cabinet in the trunk of your car

There’ll be lots of roadies when you get there

It’s totally compatible with your current program

You’ll have plenty of time for a soundcheck

This is one of Jimi’s old Strats

We’ll definitely come to the gig

You can depend on me


 


~Things For Flautists to Do When They’re Bored:~

1.Pull out or push in so much that you’re either a half step sharp or flat. Then tell everyone you invented a new key of the flute.

2.If you have an open hole flute, play only covering the holes half way.

3.Finger really low C and try to get the altissimo (the really high) C out.

4.Try to figure out a trill fingering for the really high C to the really high D, on a piccolo.

5.Blow through your flute with all the holes closed and pretend you’re Darth Vadar

6.If you’re 1st Chair, start talking in German or Russian and kick everyone out of the section.

7.If you’re not 1st Chair, make a list of atrocities and a declaration of independance, rally support from other flautists, and attempt a hostile takeover of your section.

8.Listen to a recording of a professional flautist and search for a small mistake. Then make a 90 min. tape of just that mistake, over and over again.

9.Also if you’re 1st Chair, come into a song 3 measures early and laugh at the people who follow you.

10.Count your rests out loud while performing a solo.

11.When someone calls you a flutist, correct them and say you are a “flautist”. Then when they call you a flautist, say the correct term is “flutist”. Keep this up with the same person for a year.

12.Finger low D on a piccolo, cover the hole with your pinkie, then suck all the air out. Take all your fingers off except your pinkie….the keys stay down! (Well, now you’re stuck with a piccolo attached to your tongue–press the Ab key to open the vacuum)

13.Play your flute into a box fan.

14.Find the most beautiful song you can, and add three flats (or remove 3 sharps)

15.Blow into the tonehole like you would a brass instrument, fingering any of the low octave notes. In order for the sound to begin to come out, play something like “D, E, F, G, A”. Once you get it, it has a really weird sound-almost like a bad, extremely flat clarinet! It should sound like …..


 


* Let There Be Bass *

In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz – nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old … definitely pre-C.B.S.

And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn’t be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.

And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful ‘sunburst’, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.

Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky.

And God heard this funkiness and He said, “Go man, go.” And it was good.

And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.

And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn’t even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying “Don’t do that!”

Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that’s another story.)

And God heard this – how could He miss it – and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, “Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts.”

And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.

Now God’s wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.

And He said, “O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of.”

“And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer.”

“You think you’re loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass.”

“And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say “Wow” but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you’re ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night.”

“And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink.”

And it was so.


 


Why is the Horn called the divine instrument?
Because man blows in but only God knows what’s coming out!

What is the difference between a Horn section and a ’57 Chevy?
You can tune a ’57 Chevy.

What do you get when you cross a Horn player and a goalpost?
A goalpost that can’t march.

How many Horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he’ll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?”

“Nah,” the first girl replied. “That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all.”

The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was his kissing?”

“Ugh!” the first girl exclaimed. “Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!”

The next night she went out with a Horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was his kissing?”

“Well,” the first girl replied, “his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!”

What is a difference between a conductor and a horn player?
TWO MEASURES !

A Hornplayer is fishing. Suddenly he catches a Fish! But the fish says to the hornplayer: “If you let me go, I will tell you two important things about your future, I have good news and I have bad news for you.”

“That’s a deal”, the horn-player says.

“Well, the good news is, when you are going to die, you will play 2nd horn in heaven, next to Buyanovski!”

“Woooooow!!” the hornplayer screams, “that’s great!”

“Yeah,” the fish says, “but the bad news is that you will have to start tomorrow!”

Q: How many IATSE members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight… you got a problem with that!?!

Q: What’s the difference between a soundman and God?
A: God doesn’t think he’s a soundman.

Q. What is the difference between Kenny G and a Gatling Gun?
A. A Gatling Gun stops repeating itself after 1,000 rounds.

**Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:
Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
Accordionist: 60 miles


 


Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, “What kind of cigar are you smoking there?”

It’s a Lawrence Welk.” says Milton.

“What’s a Lawrence Welk?” Micheal asks.

Milton says “It’s a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it.”


 


Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can’t do both.

A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded “It’s the least I could do, since I won’t be at the performance.”

“Wagner’s music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an hour.”– Rossini

“Richard Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.”– Mark Twain

“A critic is like a eunich: he knows exactly how it ought to be done.”

“The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two.

Q: What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord?
A: A demented chord.

Q: How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: …hmm…I don’t know…what do you think?

Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.

Maestro (to Horns): “Give us the F in tune!”
Violist (to Maestro): “Please can we have the F-in’ tune too?”

When asked by the Pope (I forget which one) what the Catholic Church could do for music, Igor Stravinsky is reputed to have answered without hesitation: “Give us back castrati!”

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.” The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.” Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: “We make the best violins on the block.”

Q: How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “One, two, three, one, two, three…”
A: “Hey man, I just do sound.”
A: One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

Q: How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

Q: How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

Q: Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
A: Start with two million.

Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
A: Put it in the oven until its (it’s) Bill Withers.

Q: Why do deadheads swirl their arms when they dance?
A: To keep the music out of their eyes.

Q: What do you get when you cross a music critic with a bowling ball?
A: A bowling ball that wouldn’t know a good performance if it heard one.

Q – What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
A – A pair of Re-Bachs.


 


Proposed Country-Western song titles:~

“I Wouldn’t Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win”

“My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart”

“I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well”

“I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better”

“Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure”

“I Wish I Were in Dixie Tonight, But She’s Out of Town”

“You May Put Me In Prison, But You Can’t Keep My Face From Breakin’ Out”


 


~Musical Horoscopes~

Flutes: If you are a flute player then you’re probably smart, strong, out-going, and have a lot of friends. But you might want to watch out for low brass players because some of them may not enjoy your high pitched melodies.
Compatibility: Trumpets, clarinets and saxophone players are OK, but stay clear from tuba players.

Clarinet: If you play the clarinet then you’re most likely to be strong, and strong-willed, skilled and talented, smart, and of course, romantic. The future is always in your past and the past is always in your future. As the same for flute players, watch out for the low brass section. Compatibility: Flutes, trumpet and French horn players are advised.

Oboe: If the oboe is your skill then you are smart, very talented, well rounded, cunning, dexterous, and clever. Beware of clarinets though, because its just genetic for them to dislike you. Compatibility: Flutes, French horns, and trumpet players are all right, but steer clear from clarinets.

Bassoon: If you play the bassoon, then congratulations, you could probably get a scholarship where-ever you want. The “requirements” of a bassoon player is being smart, flexible durability, expressive, affected, and pulchritude. Your biggest concern is the trombones, because when you are not there, they have to play your cues.
Compatibility: Clarinets, oboes, French horns, trumpets are OK, but reflect the trombones.

Bass Clarinet: If you play this instrument then you are smart, fun, outgoing, “wild”, open-minded, and talented. You really don’t have any concerns to think about, so have fun! Compatibility: Whatever you choose.

Saxophone: Saxophone players can vary. You can get all different shapes and sizes of saxophones that it’s not even funny! Basically, what all saxophone players have in common is they’re all gifted. But beware of trumpet players for their music is not always as cool as yours. Compatibility: Clarinets, other saxophones, French horns, trombones, and baritones are OK, trumpets are a no, no.

Trumpet: If the trumpet is your name then flying is your game. Your music can be hard work, but let yourself soar, because intelligence is your strong point and slaking is your weak. I suggest keeping your eye out for everyone because the trumpet position is a well desired spotlight. Compatibility: Flutes, clarinets, oboes, bassoons and bass clarinets are A-OK! But saxophones are your nightmare.

French horn: Playing the French horn can be demanding work, but your quiet personality can overcome. Whether its blowing through the mellophone, or triple tonguing your concert solo…….. French horns…….. our hats off to you. Like the bass clarinets, you have no enemies, so smile, and I hope that made your day.
Compatibility: Who wouldn’t love ya?!

Trombones: Well trombones. I must say you are very determined people. You should hold your head with pride because the trombone is a tricky instrument to master, and if you’ve played on into high school then you are truly gifted. But I would advise you not to strut too much because the bassoon is not on your side. And another thing, you are most likely not compatible with fellow low brass players, so don’t even try.
Compatibility: Saxophones, bass clarinets, and of course, French horns.

Baritones: If you play the baritone then you are most likely strong, smart, out-going, open-minded and misunderstood. Unfortunately the baritone is the only brass instrument that is not included in a orchestra. For that we’re sorry, the baritone has earned its right there. Your enemy is most likely the trombones, they just don’t know it. Keep your senses keen! Compatibility: Like the trombones, stay away from other low brass. But! Bass clarinets, French horns and saxophones are OK.

Tubas: If you play this “umpa, umpa” then you are most likely to be like the bass clarinets. Out-going, “wild” and open minded. Congratulations, you’ve strived to be different in this world. Not only that but if you play this monstrosity of a horn then you are probably in good shape. As far as your enemies I would say it would be the entire woodwind section, because it is your mission and goal in life to over play them in band. But of course the bass clarinets and saxophones love you because you share the same mission.
Compatibility: Well since the low brass isn’t advised and the wood winds hate you, all that is left is, saxophones, bass clarinets, French horns, and the trumpets, or percussionist.

Percussionist: Well what kind I say about percussionist? Heck they are basically from their own planet. Their smart, talented, and well skilled in the art of playing with sticks. The only real enemy of the percussion is the Band Director, so watch your step. And if you happen to be the Band Director’s child, then I’m sorry, I can’t help you there, I’m only a web page provider. 🙂 Compatibility: Who knows?


 


A senile old man started walking through town everyday in hopes of seeing interesting new things…

On the first day, he saw a restaurant offering elephant ear sandwiches. He said to himself, “That’s interesting. I’ll go back home now.”

The next day, he walked along and suddenly found a dog that swallowed a cow in one gulp. “That’s enough for today”, he said.

The very next day, he heard strangely melodic, low pitched music. He slowly walked around the corner and found a tenor sax player practicing. He said to himself, “okay Harold, you need to go home now. Too much excitement has you hallucinating!”


 


Why can’t you hear a soprano on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

What does a lawsuit and a saxophone have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

You’ve been playing the saxophone for too long if … you can name the different types of saxophones all 18 of them in ascending order of size you start calling it your baby you start giving it a name and a last name and a middle name and a baptismal name you know its birthday as well as the time it was “born” and celebrate that with a countdown and party you can actually breath in and out at the same time your favourite artistes are Kenny G, Lisa Simpson, that Muppets dude and the Pink Panther

Why can’t sax players play punk music?
Ever tried to play sax with a pierced lip?

A saxophonist comes home late from a gig… Too tired to carry her sax upstairs, she decides to leave it in the car for the night. When she wakes up she heads to her car only to see the back window smashed in. When she looks inside she sees two saxes.

What’s the last thing a saxophonist says in a band?
“Hey guys, wanna try one of my songs?”


 


A man has been trapped on an island for several years when he sees a small wake in the water. After a time, a lovely lady scubadiver rises from the surf. She walks to the man and exclaims, ” You must be miserable, how long has it been since you have had a great smoke?”

While the deranged man stammered for an answer, the lovely lady unzips the side pocket on her sleeve, and produces a Cuban cigar.

She gazes into the now-smoking man’s face and whispers, “and how long has it been since you have had a real drink”?

Again the man stammers as she unzips her other sleeve to produce a flask of ancient Brandy.

As she teasingly unzips the main zipper to her wetsuit, she asks, “And how long has it been since you have known real pleasure?”

The man scrambles to his feet and yells “Oh my gosh, you don’t really have a SAXOPHONE in there do ya?”


 


Why do sax players wear their neckstraps around?
So they can get disability discounts.

What do a saxophone and a baseball have in common?
People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

One day Timmy came home from school very excited… “Mommy, Mommy, guess what? Today in English I got all the way to the end of the alphabet, and everyone else got messed up around ‘P’!” His mother said, “Very good, dear. That’s because you’re a bari player.”

The next day, Timmy was even more excited. “Mommy, Mommy, guess what! Today in math I counted all the way to ten, but everyone else got messed up around seven!”

“Very good, dear,” his mother replied. “That’s because you’re a bari player.”

On the third day, Timmy was beside himself. “Mommy, Mommy, today we measured ourselves and I’m the tallest one in my class! Is that because I’m a bari player?”

“No dear,” she said. “That’s because you’re 27 years old.”

Why did Adolph Sax invent the saxophone?
He hated mankind but couldn´t build a atom-bomb.

The reason why so many weird noises comes out of the business end of saxophones is that Mr Sax never issued any instructions on how to use them. Contrary to popular belief the saxophones are percussion-instruments and meant to be beaten by hammers. Large hammers.

When should a saxophonist change his reed?
Whenever a difficult section comes up in the music score.

How do you put down a tenor saxophone?
Confuse it with a bass clarinet.

Four cowboys are sitting on a mountain one night having a few cold ones around a campfire, one a tuba player, one a trumpet player, one a conductor and the other a horn player.

The tuba player tosses an empty can of Budweiser into the air, whips out his gun, and shoots it declaring “I just killed the king of beers!”.

The trumpet player, not wanting to be outdone, tosses his empty can of Coors into the air, shoots it and declares “Ha! I just shot the silver bullet!”.

The horn player, ever so suave, reaches into his pack, pulls out a bottle of Michelob, calmly drinks the whole thing, tosses his bottle into the air and shoots the conductor. Grinning broadly at his fellow players he says “Guys, it just doesn’t get any better than this.”.

What does new age music sound like played backwards?
New age music.


 


When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.” He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…” Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

 


 


At a social club fellowship-cum-meeting in India, a band was invited to play. During the meeting the president announced: “Now there will be a collection for charity. Those who volunteer to donate Rs. 50/- please stand.” Not a single one responded, so the president called on the band to play the National Anthem. Everybody stood up & the total collection was Rs. 6000/-.

 


 


Why don’t bass players ever catch a cold?
Even a virus has some pride.

On a flight recently, a friend of ours decided to start a conversion with his seatmate. “I’ve got a great Tuba joke,” he began. “Would you like to hear it?”

“I should let you know first that I am a tubist.” Replied his neighbor.

That’s okay. I’ll tell it real slow!”

Why would a tuba player get fired from any office job?
He’s a low character, below the staff, and he spends too much time resting.


 


~Top Ten Uses For Tubas ~

#10. A musical instrument.

# 9. A floatation device.

# 8. Something flute players can’t keep their hands off.

# 7. A mirror.

# 6. Punishment. (freshmen + Kieth carry heavy tubas all year)

# 5. A battering ram

# 4. A chair.

# 3. Babe Magnet

# 2. Trash Can (freshmen + Kieth’s tubas)

# 1. Storage Container for music, field show charts, soda, food, tools, towels, and koosh balls!!


 


An orchestra is rehearsing a piece in which the tuba has a solo after 84 bars rest. At the point where the tuba should start the solo, nothing happens. So, the conductor stops and asks the tuba player why he didn’t play. “I have 84 bars rest,” says the tubist.
To which the conductor replies, “But we are past those 84 bars already”.
The tubist: “How should I know that?”.
The conductor replies, “You can count, can’t you?”.
The tubist: “Do you call that rest?”

How do you raise the town’s IQ?
Shoot the tuba player.

How do you tune two tubas?
You shoot one!


 


~ Top Ten Reasons to Play Tuba~

10. It’s better than playing bagpipes.

9. When you play, people listen.

8. During rehearsal you get to sit in the back of the room.

7. During marching practice you can use the bell to block out the sun.

6. People hold doors open for you.

5. You don’t have to wear those silly hats.

4. Many girls do prefer guys with large instruments.

3. You can say “Here comes Niagra…” right before emptying your tuning slide.

2. You’ll never be blamed for being the one with the squeaky reed.

1. BECAUSE I PLAY TUBA!!!!


 


How do you get a Tuba to sound like a French horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and miss all the notes.

A guy goes into a bar and gets really drunk. He decides before he leaves that he needed to go to the bathroom, so he asks the bartender where the bathroom is.

The bartender says it’s down the hall and on the left. The man thanked the bartender and goes down the hall and to the right.

When he enters the room he sees a bright shiny gold thing in the corner. The man thinks “This place has really got class what with the gold toilet.” So the man does his duty and goes home.

The next day he calls up the bar and tells them that he thinks their bar has class because hey have gold toilets. The bartender puts down the receiver and yells, “HEY JOE, I THINK WE JUST FOUND THE GUY WHO CRAPPED IN YOUR TUBA!”


 


A girl is set up on a blind date with a trumpet player. She goes on the date, and later reports to her best friend: The date was alright but when he kissed me it was all tight and horrible, I don’t think I’ll go out with him again.

The next night she dates a tuba player. Again she reports to her friend. She says that this time the kiss was all open mouthed and slobbery, and she wouldn’t date him again.

The next night she dates a french horn player. Her best friend asked how he kissed and the girl replied “Well, his kiss wasn’t any better than the others, but I like the way he held me!

Q: Why aren’t tubas used in country/western bands?
A: Because they are HEAVY METAL!!!!

A conductor was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn’t improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section, “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”


 


~Math for Musicians~

1. Betty is tired of paying for clarinet reeds. If she adopts a policy of playing only on rejected reeds from her colleagues, will she be able to retire on the money she has saved if she invests it in mutual funds (yielding 8.7%) before she is fired from her job?

2. Jethro has been playing the double bass in a symphony orchestra for twelve years, three months, and seven days. Each day, his inclination to practice decreases by the equation: (Total days in the orchestra)=x .000976. Assuming that he stopped practicing altogether six months ago, how long will it be before he is completely unable to play the double bass?

3. Wilma plays in the second violin section but specializes in making disparaging remarks about conductors and other musicians. The probability of her making a negative comment is 4:7 for any given musician, and 16:17 for conductors. If there are 103 musicians in the orchestra and the orchestra sees 26 different conductors each year, how many negative comments does Wilma make in a two-year period? How does this change if five of the musicians are also conductors? What if six of the conductors are also musicians?

4. Horace is the General Manager of a symphony orchestra. He tries to hear at least four concerts a year. Assuming that at each concert the orchestra plays a minimum of three pieces, what are the chances that Horace can avoid hearing a single work by Mozart, Beethoven, or Brahms in the next ten years?

5. Susan plays in the viola section. Despite her best efforts she is unable to play with the rest of the orchestra and, on average, plays .35 seconds behind the rest of the viola section, which is already .16 seconds behind the rest of the orchestra. If the orchestra is moving into a new concert hall with a reverberation time of 2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing this way undetected?

6. Rosemary is unable to play in keys with more than three sharps without making an inordinate number of mistakes. Because her colleagues in the cello section are also struggling in these passages she has so far been able to escape detection. What is the total number of hours they would all have to practice to play the complete works of Richard Strauss?

7. Ralph loves to drink coffee. Each week he drinks three more cups of coffee than Harold, who drinks exactly one third the amount that the entire brass section consumes in beer. How much longer is Ralph going to live?


 


David dies and goes to heaven. St Peter says ‘ how did things go for you back on earth?’ David says, ‘not too bad. I left a wife, 3 kids, a pretty good bank balance, no mortgage and my wife will get another 100,000 from the insurance.’ ‘Great’, says St Peter, ‘what was it you did while you were alive?’ ‘ Oh I was in Real estate.’ ‘Good oh, come on in’ says the St.

Bruce follows David up to the pearly gates and gets the same sort of welcome and questions. ‘yes well I left a wife and two kids, a little house in the suburbs, a few dollars in the bank, car’s paid for and they should be OK with things. Good oh , come on in.

Billy was next in line and gets the questions from the old guy. ‘yes well I left my 4th wife, most of my gears in the Cash Converters, cars rooted, never did quite make it to where I really thought I should have been.’ ‘Oh well’, says St P. ‘and which band was it that you played with?’


 


Guitarist finishes gig and is the last one in the place with the barman, who asks if he’d like a scotch before he goes home. The player says ‘sure’ and the barman plonks down a big glass of the juice and a little bowl of peanuts to go with it, then wanders off to wipe down the counter. This leaves the gun guitarist all by himself for a minute. From nowhere a little voice says ‘great gig man, you’re one hot picker’.

The player looks at the barman and says ‘thanks’ and the barman says ‘what for’ and the player says ‘for sayin’ nice things about my work’. the barman says ‘ I didn’t say nothing’.

The guitarist thinks it’s late and he’s a bit spaced so he’d better head off when another little voice says ‘yeah great licks man and nice moves too, you sure cut it up there’. The guitar player turns around and says ‘thanks’ but there’s nobody there. The feller at the bar says ‘are you ok?’ cause the picker looks a bit pale and the guitarist says ‘yeah, I think so’.

Then, as he empties his glass another voice says ‘hot licks, great look, wonderful style man, the chicks sure got off on you’ and the bloke says ‘OK! THAT’S IT! WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?’

The barman runs down and says ‘what’s your problem dude?’ to which the guitarist says ‘WHERE ARE THOSE VOICES COMING FROM? IS THIS CANDID CAMERA?’

‘What voices? What are they saying?’ when the guitarist tells the barman what was going on and what was said, the barman says ‘oh that’ll be the peanuts man, they’re complementary!’


 


~FIFTY YEARS IN THE FUTURE: ~

A guitarist dies and is quite please to find that he ends up standing before the pearly gates of Guitar Heaven. St. Peter shows him in, and gives him a guided tour.

“This is Stevie Ray’s room here…” says Peter, and the guitarist is saying “Wow! Stevie Ray!”

“And this is Jimi’s room…” and the guitarist is totally over the moon.

Finally Peter shows the guitarist to his own room. Before Peter leaves, he says to him, “I have to ask. Is Yngwie here?” Peter shakes his head sadly and says “I’m afraid he went… the “other” way…”

The guitarist is disappointed but goes to his room and tries to get some sleep. He is woken up in the middle of the night by someone playing a really fast harmonic minor lick – and it sounds just like Yngwie. He presses his ear to the wall, and listens more closely. Someone in the next room is playing really fast neo-classical shreds through what sounds very much like a vintage Strat.

The guitarist is confused as it sounds so much like Yngwie. The next day he tells Peter that he is almost certain that Yngwie’s in the next room.

Peter pulls him to one side, and whispers into his ear, “Shhh…. don’t tell anyone. That’s God. He thinks he’s Yngwie Malmsteen”


 


Q – What do a cup of coffee and Eric Clapton have in common?
A – They both suck without Cream

Q – What’s the difference between a guitarist and a mutual fund?
A – One matures.

Q – What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A – Homeless.

Q – How does a guitar player change a light bulb?
A – He lies on the bed so that the room is spinning around it.

Q – How does a guitar player show up for practice?
A – Drunk and late……… as usual

Q – What’s the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
A – You can tune a guitar but you can’t tuna fish.

Q – What is the definition of a minor second?
A – Two lead guitarists playing in unision.

Q – How do you make a guitar player SHUT UP?
A – Put a sheet of music in front of him.

Q – How do you make him stop?
A – Put notes on it.

Q – How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb?
A – Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say “Not bad, but I could’ve done better.”

Q – What do you throw a drowning guitarist ?
A – His amplifier.

Q – What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A – Counterpoint.

Q – What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
A – Pick on someone your own size!

Q – How do you make a guitarist’s eyes light up?
A – Shine a flashlight in his ear.

Q – What’s the range of a Gibson Les Paul?
A – Depends on how far you throw it.

Q – Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners?
A – So the rest of the band can understand them.

Q – What’s the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage?
A – The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

Q – What’s black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A – A guitarist who’s told too many drummer jokes.

Q – How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A – At least 2000: one to change the bulb and 1999 to insist how much
better they could’ve done it!


 


Late one day a local pub saw six guys walk in, obviously in pairs of two, sit down and order their favorite after-work drinks.

The first two to seat themselves and be served by the bartender were two guys working at a major university whose I.Q.s were so high they could hardly be measured! They began discussing from Quantum Mechanics to the fine points of Particle Physics, either one as brilliantly as the other.

The bartender then went over to the next pair who were “regular guys” with ordinary jobs, withaverage I.Q.s, schmoozing about how hard it was today to keep up with bill payments, how hightaxes were, how corrupt politicians were and all the day-to-day struggles most everyone has.

The last two the bartender served were two very badly educated, ill-mannered dolts with very low I.Q.s that could barely be measured on any I.Q. test. As soon as they’d ordered the bartender overheard one say to the other, “Oh, hey, I meant to ask ya, d’you use flatwound or roundwound on your bass?”


 


A guitar player comes to the doctor and complains about a serious deterioriation of his memory. He especially has a hard time remembering correct changes and is afraid to lose all his gigs. Since the doctor can’t find the cause, he asks the guitarist to leave behind his brain for a week in his lab for more detailed examinations.

After seven days the guitar player fails to show up, and even after 2 more weeks there’s no sign of him. Finally the doctor runs into him on the street, grabs him and asks: “Excuse me, but your brain is still waiting for you to stop by and pick it up, so why don’t you show up?”

The guitarist says, “Well, I think you can keep it; I finally switched to bass…”


 


A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, “So, what did you learn?”

“Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string.” Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, “This time I learned the first five notes on the A string.”

One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: “Hey, what happened in today’s lesson?”

“Dad, I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to my lesson; I had a gig!”


 

« The Official Dr. Duck’s Musician Joke Page »

Welcome to the Worlds Largest Collection of Musician Jokes, No instrument, musician or music style is sacred here…
Brought to you by the good folks at: www.ducksdeluxe.com

* Some jokes are Politically incorrect, off color, slightly suggestive and laced with moderate bathroom humor but the X, XX, XXX stuff is not here … your 7 year old twin sisters have to be able to look at this page without getting into trouble…
Enjoy … Dr.Duck

The Worlds Largest Collection of Musician Jokes does not necessarily express the views of Dan Sindel or Ducks Deluxe (they are just jokes…) Let the jokes begin…

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.

What’s the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares – neither one’s a guitar

How do you know when the stage is level ?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth ..

Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ?
Neither did I

Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them

What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend ?
Homeless ..

What’s the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.

How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
Evidently all of them.

What do you do if your bassist is drowning?
Throw him his amp.
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~Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven….~

“What did you do on Earth?”
“I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk.”
“Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates”

“What did you do on Earth?”
“I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see.”
“Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!”

“What did you do on Earth?”
“I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy.”
“You can load in through the kitchen.”

What’s the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

What’s the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

“Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!”
“Now Johnny, you can’t do both!”

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years’s eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, “You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I’d like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year’s eve to play ?? …
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the trombone player says “Sure .. we’d love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??”

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What is “perfect pitch?”
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What’s the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a
lawn mower and don’t return it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an
in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much
better they could’ve done it.

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common ?
Both suck when you plug them in

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ?
None…they just steal somebody else’s light

What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ?
“Will the defendant please rise …”

Two guys were walking down the street …one was destitute …
the other was a guitar player as well ..

How is an orgasm like a drum solo?
You can tell it’s coming but there’s no way to stop it.

What do call a successful musician?
A guy whose wife/girlfriend has 2 jobs

~~The Sideman’s By-Laws (A Guide to the Outside)~~

1. Never recommend anyone who plays better than you.

2. Always suck up. (Leaders, bartenders, bride and/or groom, management, etc.)

3. If you don’t know it, play harmony.

4. Double book, then choose.

5. Always assume the leader knows nothing.

6. Always degrade types of music you can’t play or know nothing about.

7. Always bring your own business cards and solicit during breaks.

8. Never play requests (especially if you know it).

9. Never smile.

10. Always complain.

11. Save all high notes for warming up and after engagement.

12. Never show up sooner than 30 seconds before an engagement. (One minute if you have equipment to set up.)

13. Never leave a book in order. Whenever possible, write on music in ink.

14. Always play Trane or Parker licks during fox trots, tangos, waltzes, or anything in D minor.

15. Always open spit valves over music.

16. If the leader is not sure of a tune, always use substitute changes over his vocals or solos.

17. Always worship dead jazz greats.

18. Be negative about anything connected with the job.

19. Always bring drinks back to the band stand.

20. When a break is over, always disappear. If this is not possible, make a phone call.

21. If you’re backing up an act, talk when not playing. If it’s a comic, don’t laugh.

22. Always bum a ride.

23. Always wait until someone else is buying before you get thirsty.

24. Never bring your own cigarettes to an engagement.

25. Avoid tipping at all cost (waitresses, coat room, valet, etc.).

26. Always ask, “When does the band eat”, or “Where’s our table”?

27. Remember, it’s not your gig. Mingle with guests and enjoy yourself.
The Nashville Number System Dial A Chord

The Nashville Number System Dial A Chord consists of two card stock circles – 8 inches across with a grommet in the middle so that the circles spin around … the top circle has windows that show you how to make every guitar chord at the first position including the 7th.’s in all 12 keys … the chord diagrams line up to show you which chords go together in each key and is “Color-CODED” with the Nashville # System designations as well.

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors,” and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me, I’ll just be a second.”

A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, “Get out now. You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”

Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: “You’re looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development.” And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

What’s the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

What’s a tuba for?
1-1/2″ by 3-1/2″.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
“Would you like fries with that, sir?”

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.

“Hey buddy, how late does the band play?”
“Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer.”

How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock gets faster.

A mindreader is at a nightclub one night and decides to give a small demonstration of her abilities.

First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist: “Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! Good crowd!”

Then the drummer: “Lots of people showed up tonight…Great! we’re going to make good money tonight”

Then the Keyboard player: “All three of these guys have no appreciation of my talent…What a bunch of losers”

Finally, the Bass player: “C…G…C…G…”

Two drummers and a violinist decide to form a band. The three of them start playing, and the sound is just awful. One drummer turns to the other and says, “We sound terrible. I don’t think this is going to work. Let’s get rid of the violinist.”
~Wedding Band Requests~

Dear Bandleader thank you for your letter. I really do think you have an
attitude problem and do want a few requests played if you don’t mind. What
me and my wife were thinking was:

-Any Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please arrange for
full ensemble and nothing in 4/4 please.

-Mahavishnu Orchestra, Dance of the Maya and please have the guitar player
play John Mcglaughlin’s solo from the live performance Nov. 16, 1972 at
Chrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and particularly liked his
use of polyrhythmics. If you find it too difficult you can leave out the
feedback. Your choice.

-John Coltrane’s duets with Pharaoh Sanders. I understand that their use of
atonality is not everyone’s cup of tea, but my guests are usually fond of|
high register tenor saxes.

-We thought a little Stravinsky would be nice. We particularly like the
|Rite of Spring. If you want to use the sheet music it’s OK. My husband
likes it about 1/4 note = 93 beats per minute.

-Then for the candle lighting ceremony, please learn Frank Zappa’s “The
Great Wazoo”. If you want to play it in the originally B flat, that would
be OK. And yes, cousin Jeannie does want to sing the baritone sax solo.
Please don’t say no, it would hurt her feelings so.

-Finally we have built our own musical instruments (It’s kind of a hobby
with us) and we would appreciate if you would use our instruments. None of
them are based upon a 12 tone scale or on common harmonics, but our 5 year
old son tells us it’s not really that hard to transpose once you understand
the physics.

We would be happy to pay each member an extra $25 for any inconvenience.
Thank you and don’t be late!

Mr. and Mrs. Snovly

A sax player dies and goes to the pearly gates. St Peter says sorry ‘too much partying you have to go to the other place. The elevator doors open and he goes into a huge bar.All the greatest are on stage on a break.He goes over to Charlie Parker and says .Hey this can’t be Hell all the best are playing here.Charlie say’s hey man ‘Karen Carpenter is on drums!

This trumpet player was on the phone with his agent. He was concerned that he didn’t have a gig in a while. His agent tells him; “Listen, there aren’t any gigs out there, but I found you something. I got you a gig bagging lions.”

To which the trumpet player says, “What does that have to do with my playing. The agent then says “Look, the gig pays 100.00 for each lion that you bag, don’t worry about playing”

.At this point the trumpet player will take anything so he hangs up and flies to Africa. Not wanting to miss any practice time he takes his trumpet with him while looking for the lions. He notices a lion coming toward him and the only thing that he could think of doing is playing his horn. He starts to play a beautiful ballad. He then notices that the lion starts to get sleepy and eventually goes to sleep. He grabs the lion, bags him and throws him in the back of his truck.

He goes a little further and sees another lion. Again he plays a beautiful ballad and again the lion falls asleep. This goes on all afternoon. The trumpet player has about 99 lions in his truck when he sees another.

He says “What the heck, one more won’t hurt”. He starts to play his ballad and notices that the lion is not paying any attention to him so he starts to play louder. The lion starts to run toward the trumpet player. The trumpet player starts to play faster and faster but the lion keeps coming toward him. The lion jumps on the trumpet player and eats him.

One of the lions on the truck turns to another lion and says, “I told you that when he gets to the deaf one the gig would be over”.

How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?
Give him music to read.

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on ?
He caressed it softly and told it that he lover it.

Whats the best thing to play on a stand up bass?
Solitaire.

How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb ?
He holds it up and the world revolves around him.

In the 22nd century..how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source ??
Five..one to actually do it …and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.

Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

What do violists use for birth control?
Their personalities.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don’t play.

What’s the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn’t believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They really are the same size, but the violinists’ heads are bigger.

What’s the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.

What’s the difference between violists and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathizers.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.

What’s the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don’t have to re-train the cellists.

Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist?
He turned a peg and wouldn’t tell him which one.

What’s the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage ?
The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

Why bury guitar players 6 feet under?
Because deep down they’re all very nice people..

Whats the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish??
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tuna fish ..

One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.

How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
1)-None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.
2)-Don’t bother…just leave it out ..no one will notice
3)-One ..but the guitarist has to show him first
4)-One. Five. One. Five…
5)-Six..one to change it and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light..

Late one day a local pub saw six guys walk in, obviously in pairs of two, sit down and order their favorite after-work drinks.
The first two to seat themselves and be served by the bartender were two guys working at a major university whose I.Q.s were so high they could hardly be measured! They began discussing from Quantum Mechanics to the fine points of Particle Physics, either one as brilliantly as the other.
The bartender then went over to the next pair who were “regular guys” with ordinary jobs, with average I.Q.s, schmoozing about how hard it was today to keep up with bill payments, how high taxes were, how corrupt politicians were and all the day-to-day struggles most everyone has.
The last two the bartender served were two very badly educated, ill-mannered dolts with very low I.Q.s that could barely be measured on any I.Q. test. As soon as they’d ordered the bartender overheard one say to the other, “Oh, hey, I meant to ask ya, d’you use flatwound or roundwound on your bass?”

How do you put a twinkle in a soprano’s eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

How does a soprano change a lightbulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.

How can you tell when a soprano is at you door?
She can’t find the key, and doesn’t know when to come in.

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they can’t get up that high.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end…it would be a good idea.

Where’s a tenor’s resonance?
Where his brain should be.

Did you hear about the tenor who was so dumb the other tenors noticed?

What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What is the definition of a mezzo soprano?
Just an alto with a soprano’s attitude.

What’s the definition of a male quartet?
Three man and a tenor.

If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?

What’s the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.