Musician Jokes – page 4

Welcome to the Worlds Largest Collection of Musician Jokes, No instrument, musician or music style is sacred here.

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* Some jokes are Politically incorrect, off color, slightly suggestive and laced with moderate bathroom humor but the X, XX, XXX stuff is not here … Brought to you by the good folks at: www.ducksdeluxe.com your 7 year old twin sisters have to be able to look at this page without getting into trouble… Enjoy! Dr.Duck

The Worlds Largest Collection of Musician Jokes does not necessarily express the views of Willy’s Custom Guitar Repair or Ducks Deluxe (they are just jokes…) Let the jokes begin…


 

What do you call a good flute section?
Impossible

What do you get when you cross a piccolo with a clarinet?
An earache

How do you know there’s a flute player at your door?
You don’t. They can’t find the right key and don’t know when to make
the entrance.

Definition of a flute, according to David W. Barber in his book A Musician’s Dictionary:
“A sophisticated pea-shooter with a range up to five hundred hards and deadly accuracy in close quarters. Blown transversely to confuse the enemy, it can be dismantled into three small pieces, for easy concealment.”

~Things For Flautists to Do When They’re Bored:~

1.Pull out or push in so much that you’re either a half step sharp or flat. Then tell everyone you invented a new key of the flute.

2.If you have an open hole flute, play only covering the holes half way.

3.Finger really low C and try to get the altissimo (the really high) C out.

4.Try to figure out a trill fingering for the really high C to the really high D, on a piccolo.

5.Blow through your flute with all the holes closed and pretend you’re Darth Vadar

6.If you’re 1st Chair, start talking in German or Russian and kick everyone out of the section.

7.If you’re not 1st Chair, make a list of atrocities and a declaration of independance, rally support from other flautists, and attempt a hostile takeover of your section.

8.Listen to a recording of a professional flautist and search for a small mistake. Then make a 90 min. tape of just that mistake, over and over again.

9.Also if you’re 1st Chair, come into a song 3 measures early and laugh at the people who follow you.

10.Count your rests out loud while performing a solo.

11.When someone calls you a flutist, correct them and say you are a “flautist”. Then when they call you a flautist, say the correct term is “flutist”. Keep this up with the same person for a year.

12.Finger low D on a piccolo, cover the hole with your pinkie, then suck all the air out. Take all your fingers off except your pinkie….the keys stay down! (Well, now you’re stuck with a piccolo attached to your tongue–press the Ab key to open the vacuum)

13.Play your flute into a box fan.

14.Find the most beautiful song you can, and add three flats (or remove 3 sharps)

15.Blow into the tonehole like you would a brass instrument, fingering any of the low octave notes. In order for the sound to begin to come out, play something like “D, E, F, G, A”. Once you get it, it has a really weird sound-almost like a bad, extremely flat clarinet! It should sound like …..

* Let There Be Bass *

In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz – nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old … definitely pre-C.B.S.

And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn’t be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.

And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful ‘sunburst’, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.

Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky.

And God heard this funkiness and He said, “Go man, go.” And it was good.

And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.

And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn’t even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying “Don’t do that!”

Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that’s another story.)

And God heard this – how could He miss it – and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, “Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts.”

And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.

Now God’s wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.

And He said, “O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of.”

“And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer.”

“You think you’re loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass.”

“And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say “Wow” but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you’re ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night.”

“And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink.”

And it was so.

Why is the Horn called the divine instrument?
Because man blows in but only God knows what’s coming out!

What is the difference between a Horn section and a ’57 Chevy?
You can tune a ’57 Chevy.

What do you get when you cross a Horn player and a goalpost?
A goalpost that can’t march.

How many Horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he’ll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?”

“Nah,” the first girl replied. “That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all.”

The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was his kissing?”

“Ugh!” the first girl exclaimed. “Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!”

The next night she went out with a Horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was his kissing?”

“Well,” the first girl replied, “his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!”

What is a difference between a conductor and a horn player?
TWO MEASURES !

A Hornplayer is fishing. Suddenly he catches a Fish! But the fish says to the hornplayer: “If you let me go, I will tell you two important things about your future, I have good news and I have bad news for you.”

“That’s a deal”, the horn-player says.

“Well, the good news is, when you are going to die, you will play 2nd horn in heaven, next to Buyanovski!”

“Woooooow!!” the hornplayer screams, “that’s great!”

“Yeah,” the fish says, “but the bad news is that you will have to start tomorrow!”

Q: How many IATSE members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight… you got a problem with that!?!

Q: What’s the difference between a soundman and God?
A: God doesn’t think he’s a soundman.

Q. What is the difference between Kenny G and a Gatling Gun?
A. A Gatling Gun stops repeating itself after 1,000 rounds.

Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:

Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
Accordionist: 60 miles

Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, “What kind of cigar are you smoking there?”

It’s a Lawrence Welk.” says Milton.

“What’s a Lawrence Welk?” Micheal asks.

Milton says “It’s a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it.”

Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can’t do both.

A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded “It’s the least I could do, since I won’t be at the performance.”

“Wagner’s music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an hour.”– Rossini

“Richard Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.”– Mark Twain

“A critic is like a eunich: he knows exactly how it ought to be done.”

“The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two.

Q: What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord?
A: A demented chord.

Q: How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: …hmm…I don’t know…what do you think?

Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.

Maestro (to Horns): “Give us the F in tune!”
Violist (to Maestro): “Please can we have the F-in’ tune too?”

When asked by the Pope (I forget which one) what the Catholic Church could do for music, Igor Stravinsky is reputed to have answered without hesitation: “Give us back castrati!”

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.” The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.” Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: “We make the best violins on the block.”

Q: How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “One, two, three, one, two, three…”
A: “Hey man, I just do sound.”
A: One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

Q: How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

Q: How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

Q: Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
A: Start with two million.

Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
A: Put it in the oven until its (it’s) Bill Withers.

Q: Why do deadheads swirl their arms when they dance?
A: To keep the music out of their eyes.

Q: What do you get when you cross a music critic with a bowling ball?
A: A bowling ball that wouldn’t know a good performance if it heard one.

Q – What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
A – A pair of Re-Bachs.

Proposed Country-Western song titles:~

“I Wouldn’t Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win”

“My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart”

“I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well”

“I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better”

“Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure”

“I Wish I Were in Dixie Tonight, But She’s Out of Town”

“You May Put Me In Prison, But You Can’t Keep My Face From Breakin’ Out”

~Musical Horoscopes~

Flutes: If you are a flute player then you’re probably smart, strong, out-going, and have a lot of friends. But you might want to watch out for low brass players because some of them may not enjoy your high pitched melodies.
Compatibility: Trumpets, clarinets and saxophone players are OK, but stay clear from tuba players.

Clarinet: If you play the clarinet then you’re most likely to be strong, and strong-willed, skilled and talented, smart, and of course, romantic. The future is always in your past and the past is always in your future. As the same for flute players, watch out for the low brass section. Compatibility: Flutes, trumpet and French horn players are advised.

Oboe: If the oboe is your skill then you are smart, very talented, well rounded, cunning, dexterous, and clever. Beware of clarinets though, because its just genetic for them to dislike you. Compatibility: Flutes, French horns, and trumpet players are all right, but steer clear from clarinets.

Bassoon: If you play the bassoon, then congratulations, you could probably get a scholarship where-ever you want. The “requirements” of a bassoon player is being smart, flexible durability, expressive, affected, and pulchritude. Your biggest concern is the trombones, because when you are not there, they have to play your cues.
Compatibility: Clarinets, oboes, French horns, trumpets are OK, but reflect the trombones.

Bass Clarinet: If you play this instrument then you are smart, fun, outgoing, “wild”, open-minded, and talented. You really don’t have any concerns to think about, so have fun! Compatibility: Whatever you choose.

Saxophone: Saxophone players can vary. You can get all different shapes and sizes of saxophones that it’s not even funny! Basically, what all saxophone players have in common is they’re all gifted. But beware of trumpet players for their music is not always as cool as yours. Compatibility: Clarinets, other saxophones, French horns, trombones, and baritones are OK, trumpets are a no, no.

Trumpet: If the trumpet is your name then flying is your game. Your music can be hard work, but let yourself soar, because intelligence is your strong point and slaking is your weak. I suggest keeping your eye out for everyone because the trumpet position is a well desired spotlight. Compatibility: Flutes, clarinets, oboes, bassoons and bass clarinets are A-OK! But saxophones are your nightmare.

French horn: Playing the French horn can be demanding work, but your quiet personality can overcome. Whether its blowing through the mellophone, or triple tonguing your concert solo…….. French horns…….. our hats off to you. Like the bass clarinets, you have no enemies, so smile, and I hope that made your day.
Compatibility: Who wouldn’t love ya?!

Trombones: Well trombones. I must say you are very determined people. You should hold your head with pride because the trombone is a tricky instrument to master, and if you’ve played on into high school then you are truly gifted. But I would advise you not to strut too much because the bassoon is not on your side. And another thing, you are most likely not compatible with fellow low brass players, so don’t even try.
Compatibility: Saxophones, bass clarinets, and of course, French horns.

Baritones: If you play the baritone then you are most likely strong, smart, out-going, open-minded and misunderstood. Unfortunately the baritone is the only brass instrument that is not included in a orchestra. For that we’re sorry, the baritone has earned its right there. Your enemy is most likely the trombones, they just don’t know it. Keep your senses keen! Compatibility: Like the trombones, stay away from other low brass. But! Bass clarinets, French horns and saxophones are OK.

Tubas: If you play this “umpa, umpa” then you are most likely to be like the bass clarinets. Out-going, “wild” and open minded. Congratulations, you’ve strived to be different in this world. Not only that but if you play this monstrosity of a horn then you are probably in good shape. As far as your enemies I would say it would be the entire woodwind section, because it is your mission and goal in life to over play them in band. But of course the bass clarinets and saxophones love you because you share the same mission.
Compatibility: Well since the low brass isn’t advised and the wood winds hate you, all that is left is, saxophones, bass clarinets, French horns, and the trumpets, or percussionist.

Percussionist: Well what kind I say about percussionist? Heck they are basically from their own planet. Their smart, talented, and well skilled in the art of playing with sticks. The only real enemy of the percussion is the Band Director, so watch your step. And if you happen to be the Band Director’s child, then I’m sorry, I can’t help you there, I’m only a web page provider. 🙂 Compatibility: Who knows?

A senile old man started walking through town everyday in hopes of seeing interesting new things…

On the first day, he saw a restaurant offering elephant ear sandwiches. He said to himself, “That’s interesting. I’ll go back home now.”

The next day, he walked along and suddenly found a dog that swallowed a cow in one gulp. “That’s enough for today”, he said.

The very next day, he heard strangely melodic, low pitched music. He slowly walked around the corner and found a tenor sax player practicing. He said to himself, “okay Harold, you need to go home now. Too much excitement has you hallucinating!”

Why can’t you hear a soprano on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

What does a lawsuit and a saxophone have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

You’ve been playing the saxophone for too long if … you can name the different types of saxophones all 18 of them in ascending order of size you start calling it your baby you start giving it a name and a last name and a middle name and a baptismal name you know its birthday as well as the time it was “born” and celebrate that with a countdown and party you can actually breath in and out at the same time your favourite artistes are Kenny G, Lisa Simpson, that Muppets dude and the Pink Panther

Why can’t sax players play punk music?
Ever tried to play sax with a pierced lip?

A saxophonist comes home late from a gig… Too tired to carry her sax upstairs, she decides to leave it in the car for the night. When she wakes up she heads to her car only to see the back window smashed in. When she looks inside she sees two saxes.

What’s the last thing a saxophonist says in a band?
“Hey guys, wanna try one of my songs?”

A man has been trapped on an island for several years when he sees a small wake in the water. After a time, a lovely lady scubadiver rises from the surf. She walks to the man and exclaims, ” You must be miserable, how long has it been since you have had a great smoke?”

While the deranged man stammered for an answer, the lovely lady unzips the side pocket on her sleeve, and produces a Cuban cigar.

She gazes into the now-smoking man’s face and whispers, “and how long has it been since you have had a real drink”?

Again the man stammers as she unzips her other sleeve to produce a flask of ancient Brandy.

As she teasingly unzips the main zipper to her wetsuit, she asks, “And how long has it been since you have known real pleasure?”

The man scrambles to his feet and yells “Oh my gosh, you don’t really have a SAXOPHONE in there do ya?”

Why do sax players wear their neckstraps around?
So they can get disability discounts.

What do a saxophone and a baseball have in common?
People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

One day Timmy came home from school very excited… “Mommy, Mommy, guess what? Today in English I got all the way to the end of the alphabet, and everyone else got messed up around ‘P’!” His mother said, “Very good, dear. That’s because you’re a bari player.”

The next day, Timmy was even more excited. “Mommy, Mommy, guess what! Today in math I counted all the way to ten, but everyone else got messed up around seven!”

“Very good, dear,” his mother replied. “That’s because you’re a bari player.”

On the third day, Timmy was beside himself. “Mommy, Mommy, today we measured ourselves and I’m the tallest one in my class! Is that because I’m a bari player?”

“No dear,” she said. “That’s because you’re 27 years old.”

Why did Adolph Sax invent the saxophone?
He hated mankind but couldn´t build a atom-bomb.

The reason why so many weird noises comes out of the business end of saxophones is that Mr Sax never issued any instructions on how to use them. Contrary to popular belief the saxophones are percussion-instruments and meant to be beaten by hammers. Large hammers.

When should a saxophonist change his reed?
Whenever a difficult section comes up in the music score.

How do you put down a tenor saxophone?
Confuse it with a bass clarinet.

Four cowboys are sitting on a mountain one night having a few cold ones around a campfire, one a tuba player, one a trumpet player, one a conductor and the other a horn player.

The tuba player tosses an empty can of Budweiser into the air, whips out his gun, and shoots it declaring “I just killed the king of beers!”.

The trumpet player, not wanting to be outdone, tosses his empty can of Coors into the air, shoots it and declares “Ha! I just shot the silver bullet!”.

The horn player, ever so suave, reaches into his pack, pulls out a bottle of Michelob, calmly drinks the whole thing, tosses his bottle into the air and shoots the conductor. Grinning broadly at his fellow players he says “Guys, it just doesn’t get any better than this.”.

What does new age music sound like played backwards?
New age music.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.” He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…” Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:
Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
Accordionist: 60 miles

At a social club fellowship-cum-meeting in India, a band was invited to play. During the meeting the president announced: “Now there will be a collection for charity. Those who volunteer to donate Rs. 50/- please stand.” Not a single one responded, so the president called on the band to play the National Anthem. Everybody stood up & the total collection was Rs. 6000/-.

Why don’t bass players ever catch a cold?
Even a virus has some pride.

On a flight recently, a friend of ours decided to start a conversion with his seatmate. “I’ve got a great Tuba joke,” he began. “Would you like to hear it?”

“I should let you know first that I am a tubist.” Replied his neighbor.

That’s okay. I’ll tell it real slow!”

Why would a tuba player get fired from any office job?
He’s a low character, below the staff, and he spends too much time resting.

~Top Ten Uses For Tubas ~

#10. A musical instrument.

# 9. A floatation device.

# 8. Something flute players can’t keep their hands off.

# 7. A mirror.

# 6. Punishment. (freshmen + Kieth carry heavy tubas all year)

# 5. A battering ram

# 4. A chair.

# 3. Babe Magnet

# 2. Trash Can (freshmen + Kieth’s tubas)

# 1. Storage Container for music, field show charts, soda, food, tools, towels, and koosh balls!!

An orchestra is rehearsing a piece in which the tuba has a solo after 84 bars rest. At the point where the tuba should start the solo, nothing happens. So, the conductor stops and asks the tuba player why he didn’t play. “I have 84 bars rest,” says the tubist.
To which the conductor replies, “But we are past those 84 bars already”.
The tubist: “How should I know that?”.
The conductor replies, “You can count, can’t you?”.
The tubist: “Do you call that rest?”

How do you raise the town’s IQ?
Shoot the tuba player.

How do you tune two tubas?
You shoot one!

~ Top Ten Reasons to Play Tuba~

10. It’s better than playing bagpipes.

9. When you play, people listen.

8. During rehearsal you get to sit in the back of the room.

7. During marching practice you can use the bell to block out the sun.

6. People hold doors open for you.

5. You don’t have to wear those silly hats.

4. Many girls do prefer guys with large instruments.

3. You can say “Here comes Niagra…” right before emptying your tuning slide.

2. You’ll never be blamed for being the one with the squeaky reed.

1. BECAUSE I PLAY TUBA!!!!

How do you get a Tuba to sound like a French horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and miss all the notes.

A guy goes into a bar and gets really drunk. He decides before he leaves that he needed to go to the bathroom, so he asks the bartender where the bathroom is.

The bartender says it’s down the hall and on the left. The man thanked the bartender and goes down the hall and to the right.

When he enters the room he sees a bright shiny gold thing in the corner. The man thinks “This place has really got class what with the gold toilet.” So the man does his duty and goes home.

The next day he calls up the bar and tells them that he thinks their bar has class because hey have gold toilets. The bartender puts down the receiver and yells, “HEY JOE, I THINK WE JUST FOUND THE GUY WHO CRAPPED IN YOUR TUBA!”

A girl is set up on a blind date with a trumpet player. She goes on the date, and later reports to her best friend: The date was alright but when he kissed me it was all tight and horrible, I don’t think I’ll go out with him again.

The next night she dates a tuba player. Again she reports to her friend. She says that this time the kiss was all open mouthed and slobbery, and she wouldn’t date him again.

The next night she dates a french horn player. Her best friend asked how he kissed and the girl replied “Well, his kiss wasn’t any better than the others, but I like the way he held me!

Why aren’t tubas used in country/western bands?
Because they are HEAVY METAL!!!!

A conductor was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn’t improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section, “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”
~Math for Musicians~

1. Betty is tired of paying for clarinet reeds. If she adopts a policy of playing only on rejected reeds from her colleagues, will she be able to retire on the money she has saved if she invests it in mutual funds (yielding 8.7%) before she is fired from her job?

2. Jethro has been playing the double bass in a symphony orchestra for twelve years, three months, and seven days. Each day, his inclination to practice decreases by the equation: (Total days in the orchestra)=x .000976. Assuming that he stopped practicing altogether six months ago, how long will it be before he is completely unable to play the double bass?

3. Wilma plays in the second violin section but specializes in making disparaging remarks about conductors and other musicians. The probability of her making a negative comment is 4:7 for any given musician, and 16:17 for conductors. If there are 103 musicians in the orchestra and the orchestra sees 26 different conductors each year, how many negative comments does Wilma make in a two-year period? How does this change if five of the musicians are also conductors? What if six of the conductors are also musicians?

4. Horace is the General Manager of a symphony orchestra. He tries to hear at least four concerts a year. Assuming that at each concert the orchestra plays a minimum of three pieces, what are the chances that Horace can avoid hearing a single work by Mozart, Beethoven, or Brahms in the next ten years?

5. Susan plays in the viola section. Despite her best efforts she is unable to play with the rest of the orchestra and, on average, plays .35 seconds behind the rest of the viola section, which is already .16 seconds behind the rest of the orchestra. If the orchestra is moving into a new concert hall with a reverberation time of 2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing this way undetected?

6. Rosemary is unable to play in keys with more than three sharps without making an inordinate number of mistakes. Because her colleagues in the cello section are also struggling in these passages she has so far been able to escape detection. What is the total number of hours they would all have to practice to play the complete works of Richard Strauss?

7. Ralph loves to drink coffee. Each week he drinks three more cups of coffee than Harold, who drinks exactly one third the amount that the entire brass section consumes in beer. How much longer is Ralph going to live?

David dies and goes to heaven. St Peter says ‘ how did things go for you back on earth?’ David says, ‘not too bad. I left a wife, 3 kids, a pretty good bank balance, no mortgage and my wife will get another 100,000 from the insurance.’ ‘Great’, says St Peter, ‘what was it you did while you were alive?’ ‘ Oh I was in Real estate.’ ‘Good oh, come on in’ says the St.

Bruce follows David up to the pearly gates and gets the same sort of welcome and questions. ‘yes well I left a wife and two kids, a little house in the suburbs, a few dollars in the bank, car’s paid for and they should be OK with things. Good oh , come on in.

Billy was next in line and gets the questions from the old guy. ‘yes well I left my 4th wife, most of my gears in the Cash Converters, cars rooted, never did quite make it to where I really thought I should have been.’ ‘Oh well’, says St P. ‘and which band was it that you played with?’

Guitarist finishes gig and is the last one in the place with the barman, who asks if he’d like a scotch before he goes home. The player says ‘sure’ and the barman plonks down a big glass of the juice and a little bowl of peanuts to go with it, then wanders off to wipe down the counter. This leaves the gun guitarist all by himself for a minute. From nowhere a little voice says ‘great gig man, you’re one hot picker’.

The player looks at the barman and says ‘thanks’ and the barman says ‘what for’ and the player says ‘for sayin’ nice things about my work’. the barman says ‘ I didn’t say nothing’.

The guitarist thinks it’s late and he’s a bit spaced so he’d better head off when another little voice says ‘yeah great licks man and nice moves too, you sure cut it up there’. The guitar player turns around and says ‘thanks’ but there’s nobody there. The feller at the bar says ‘are you ok?’ cause the picker looks a bit pale and the guitarist says ‘yeah, I think so’.

Then, as he empties his glass another voice says ‘hot licks, great look, wonderful style man, the chicks sure got off on you’ and the bloke says ‘OK! THAT’S IT! WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?’

The barman runs down and says ‘what’s your problem dude?’ to which the guitarist says ‘WHERE ARE THOSE VOICES COMING FROM? IS THIS CANDID CAMERA?’

‘What voices? What are they saying?’ when the guitarist tells the barman what was going on and what was said, the barman says ‘oh that’ll be the peanuts man, they’re complementary!’
~FIFTY YEARS IN THE FUTURE: ~

A guitarist dies and is quite please to find that he ends up standing before the pearly gates of Guitar Heaven. St. Peter shows him in, and gives him a guided tour.

“This is Stevie Ray’s room here…” says Peter, and the guitarist is saying “Wow! Stevie Ray!”

“And this is Jimi’s room…” and the guitarist is totally over the moon.

Finally Peter shows the guitarist to his own room. Before Peter leaves, he says to him, “I have to ask. Is Yngwie here?” Peter shakes his head sadly and says “I’m afraid he went… the “other” way…”

The guitarist is disappointed but goes to his room and tries to get some sleep. He is woken up in the middle of the night by someone playing a really fast harmonic minor lick – and it sounds just like Yngwie. He presses his ear to the wall, and listens more closely. Someone in the next room is playing really fast neo-classical shreds through what sounds very much like a vintage Strat.

The guitarist is confused as it sounds so much like Yngwie. The next day he tells Peter that he is almost certain that Yngwie’s in the next room.

Peter pulls him to one side, and whispers into his ear, “Shhh…. don’t tell anyone. That’s God. He thinks he’s Yngwie Malmsteen”

Q – What do a cup of coffee and Eric Clapton have in common?
A – They both suck without Cream

Q – What’s the difference between a guitarist and a mutual fund?
A – One matures.

Q – What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A – Homeless.

Q – How does a guitar player change a light bulb?
A – He lies on the bed so that the room is spinning around it.

Q – How does a guitar player show up for practice?
A – Drunk and late……… as usual

Q – What’s the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
A – You can tune a guitar but you can’t tuna fish.

Q – What is the definition of a minor second?
A – Two lead guitarists playing in unision.

Q – How do you make a guitarist play quieter?
A – Put a sheet of music in front of him.

Q – How do you make him stop?
A – Put notes on it.

Q – How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb?
A – Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say “Not bad, but I could’ve done better.”

Q – What do you throw a drowning guitarist ?
A – His amplifier.

Q – What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A – Counterpoint.

Q – What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
A – Pick on someone your own size!

Q – How do you make a guitarist’s eyes light up?
A – Shine a flashlight in his ear.

Q – What’s the range of a Gibson Les Paul?
A – Depends on how far you throw it.

Q – Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners?
A – So the rest of the band can understand them.

Q – What’s the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage?
A – The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

Q – What’s black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A – A guitarist who’s told too many drummer jokes.

Q – How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A – At least 2000: one to change the bulb and 1999 to insist how much
better they could’ve done it!

Late one day a local pub saw six guys walk in, obviously in pairs of two, sit down and order their favorite after-work drinks.

The first two to seat themselves and be served by the bartender were two guys working at a major university whose I.Q.s were so high they could hardly be measured! They began discussing from Quantum Mechanics to the fine points of Particle Physics, either one as brilliantly as the other.

The bartender then went over to the next pair who were “regular guys” with ordinary jobs, withaverage I.Q.s, schmoozing about how hard it was today to keep up with bill payments, how hightaxes were, how corrupt politicians were and all the day-to-day struggles most everyone has.

The last two the bartender served were two very badly educated, ill-mannered dolts with very low I.Q.s that could barely be measured on any I.Q. test. As soon as they’d ordered the bartender overheard one say to the other, “Oh, hey, I meant to ask ya, d’you use flatwound or roundwound on your bass?”

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand

Don’t bother. Just leave it out–no one will notice

One, but the guitarist has to show him first

Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light

One. Five. One. Five

A guitar player comes to the doctor and complains about a serious deterioriation of his memory. He especially has a hard time remembering correct changes and is afraid to lose all his gigs. Since the doctor can’t find the cause, he asks the guitarist to leave behind his brain for a week in his lab for more detailed examinations.

After seven days the guitar player fails to show up, and even after 2 more weeks there’s no sign of him. Finally the doctor runs into him on the street, grabs him and asks: “Excuse me, but your brain is still waiting for you to stop by and pick it up, so why don’t you show up?”

The guitarist says, “Well, I think you can keep it; I finally switched to bass…”

A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, “So, what did you learn?”

“Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string.” Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, “This time I learned the first five notes on the A string.”

One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: “Hey, what happened in today’s lesson?”

“Dad, I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to my lesson; I had a gig!”

A tour manager comes across the guitarist and bass player fighting at the side of the stage and pulls them apart asking what the problem was.

“That bastard detuned one of the strings on my bass”, says the bass player, “And we’re on stage in five minutes.”

“So what’s the problem?”, asks the tour manager.

“He won’t tell me which string it was he detuned”, said the Bassist.


 


What’s the difference between Rock music and a machine gun?
The machine gun only repeats 10 times per second.

Why did the chicken cross the road ?
To escape the Heavy Metal Music.
~Top Ten Items On The Country Music Singer Application~

10. Provide names and phone numbers of three lovers who done you wrong

9. Ever nailed a Judd?

8. Would you be willing to wear jeans so tight they cut off circulation to your ass?

7. Spell “dagnabbit”

6. Which name best describes your sexual orientation: “George Straight” or “Dixie Chicks”?

5. Complete the following sentence — “Hee ______!”

4. Describe size and location of dents on your pickup truck

3. If you could meet anybody in the world, living or dead — which Statler Brother would it be?

2. Name six radio-friendly words that rhyme with “truck”

1. Chaw?


 


~Why Guitars are better than Men: ~

Guitars don’t snore.

Guitars never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason.

Guitars never try to show you off to their friends.

Guitars don’t come home drunk after a night out with the other Guitars.

You don’t have to praise a Guitar after playing it.

Guitars don’t have to prove anything.

Guitars don’t try to change you once you’ve bought them.

Second-hand Guitars don’t go to see previous owners when you’re out of town.

Guitars don’t have egos.

You don’t have to continually assure your Guitar that its string length is just right.

Your Guitar will never earn more than you do for the same job just because it’s a Guitar.

Your Guitar never spends a “night out with the Guitars” and comes home with a strange rash
on its fretboard.


 


~Why guitars are better than women: ~

You can share your Guitar with your friends.

Guitars don’t care how many other Guitars you’ve played

Guitars don’t care if you look at other Guitars.

Guitars don’t care if you buy Guitar magazines.

Your Guitar doesn’t care if you never listen to it.

Your Guitar won’t care if you leave up the toilet seat.

Your parents won’t remain in touch with your old Guitar after you dump it.

Guitars don’t insult you if you’re a bad player.

Your Guitar never wants a night out with the other Guitars.

You can play your Guitar the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a
movie, or meet its mother.


 


What’s worse than telling jokes about guitarists?
Laughing at ’em.

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
Both suck when you plug them in.

How do you know when the stage is level?
The guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

What’s the difference between a Lead Guitarist and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.

Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune?
Neither have I.

How do you make a guitarist’s eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in his ear.

Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners?
So the rest of the band can understand them.

What’s the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage?
The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.


 


~THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR ON A MUSICIAN’S TOUR BUS…~

Shouldn’t we go back for the drummer?
Oh no you don’t! It’s my turn to clean the bathroom.
Checkmate!
Go roll ’em down the aisle all you want. They’re only cymbals.
So, I just walked her home, kissed her goodnight, and came back to the bus.
No, the monitor mix was perfect. I just screwed up.
Twenty percent? Our manager should get at least 30 percent!!
Why is there porno in the VCR?
Can you believe all the money we’re getting?
Boy, I can’t wait till we get to Omaha!
No thanks, I don’t want another beer.
Ladies, I need to see some proof of age please.


 


Time Magazine quotes Milli Vanilli “singer” Rob Pilatus as saying, “musically, we’re more talented than any Bob Dylan or Paul McCartney. Mick Jagger can’t produce a sound. I’m the new Elvis.” (2-27-1990)

 


 


Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe; as it happens, in Transylvania. They’re driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It’s late, and raining very hard. Bob can barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light.

He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??”

“I’m sorry,” replies the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him.”

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.”

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty are no more. The Hills’ deaths upsets Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement. He notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

You sure you want to know?

O.K. You asked for it……

“Master, Master!… The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”
(ouch !!! …sorry bout that one …)


 


~From The Console Operators Union~

Before you ask the Console operators your question(s), please read the common answers to the questions below.

1. We do not take requests or do dedications.

2. Yes we do know what all these knobs do and no we don’t have the time to tell you. That also means you can’t touch them.

3. Yes we talk to the band and no we can’t take notes or messages to them. This does also mean that you can’t meet them without the appropriate pass which we don’t keep or get.

4. The small console is lighting and the big ones are sound.

5. The sound man is hired to mix the show, please don’t tell him how to do his job. He doesn’t come to your place of employment and telly ou how to do your job.

6. We don’t know where we’re going to be tomorrow. Buy the tourbook or t-shirt which contains the tour info.

7. Some people go to school for this job & some don’t. We have been in this industry for about 25 years not combined. There are a number of different ways to get into this industry, which we don’t have time to go into right now.

8. No, this is not necessarily the coolest job.

9. For any other questions please submit them in written form and we will do our best to reply to them.

We thank you for your understanding in dealing with this issue.

Thank you & Have a nice evening

The Console Operators Union


 


~The Top 14 Songs on the New ‘N Sync CD~

14 “You’re Pretty Mature For Your Age, Aren’t You?”

13 “The Next Best Thing To An Actual Boyfriend”

12 “Yo, Girl, Your Butt Don’t Look Big to Me”

11 “Baby, Just Wanna Give you a Pony and a Puppy Dog”

10 “A Personal Love Song for You — Yes, You! We Really Mean It! You Are the One and Only Girl We Really Love, Even Though You’re 12 Years-Old and Live in a Trailer Park in Nebraska. Honest!”

9 “I’ll Be Waiting For You (On The Other Side of Puberty)”

8 “If You Buy Two, We’ll Love You Twice As Much!”

7 “Acne Will Pass, But Love Lasts Forever”

6 “You Should Buy This CD — Or That Bitch Suzy Will, and She’ll Be More Popular Than You”

5 “Nobody Understands You, So Let’s Get Freaky!”

4 “Baby, You Can Drive My Car (When You’re Old Enough to Get a Learner’s Permit)”

3 “Guess Which One of Us Actually *Likes* Girls”

2 “The Backstreet Boys Think You’re Homely”

and Topfive.com’s Number 1 Song on the New ‘N Sync CD…

1 “What’s Up, A-Cup?”