Musician Jokes – page 5

Welcome to the Worlds Largest Collection of Musician Jokes, No instrument, musician or music style is sacred here.

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* Some jokes are Politically incorrect, off color, slightly suggestive and laced with moderate bathroom humor but the X, XX, XXX stuff is not here … Brought to you by the good folks at: www.ducksdeluxe.com your 7 year old twin sisters have to be able to look at this page without getting into trouble… Enjoy! Dr.Duck

The Worlds Largest Collection of Musician Jokes does not necessarily express the views of Willy’s Custom Guitar Repair or Ducks Deluxe (they are just jokes…) Let the jokes begin…


 

~REASONS WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN~

A guitar has a volume knob.
If you break a guitar’s G-string, it only costs $. 79 for a new one.
You can unplug a guitar.
If your guitar doesn’t make sounds you like, you can retune it.
If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set.
You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking.
|You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free.
You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarrassed.
You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you.
You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.
A guitar doesn’t take half of everything you own when you sell it.


 


~Stuff you just have to know about music …~
(These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in the state of Missouri.)

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

Refrain means don’t do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.

Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers.
It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

An opera is a song of bigly size.

In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.

When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.

Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium.

Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys.

My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.

My favorite composer is Opus.

A harp is a nude piano.

A tuba is much larger than its name.

Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.

You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.

Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good.

A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.

While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.

The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.

When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.

Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.

Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!

A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.

Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.

Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument?
Answer: Yes.

The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.

For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.

I can’t reach the brakes on this piano!

The main trouble with a French horn is it’s too tangled up.

Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.

Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.

The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.

The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.

A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.

Tubas are a bit too much.

Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.

I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best?

My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.

It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.

Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.


 


~Actual Titles of Some Country Music Songs:~

– If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow It All On You

– Do You Love As Good As You Look?

– Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life

– Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye

– Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

– Here’s A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares

– How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?

– Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral

– I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

– I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

– I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me

– I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.

– I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You

– I Wanna Whip Your Cow

– I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn’t Spell Yuck!

– I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win

– I’d Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy

– I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life

– I’ve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

– I’ve Got The Hungries For Your Love And I’m Waiting In YourWelfare Line

– If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

– If Love Were Oil, I’d Be A Quart Low

– If The Phone Don’t Ring, Baby, You’ll Know It’s Me

– If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

– If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

– Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)

– May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose

– My Every Day Silver Is Plastic

– My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus

– My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

– My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

– Oh, I’ve Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You

– Pardon Me, I’ve Got Someone To Kill

– She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft; She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

– She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

– She’s Got Freckles On Her, But She’s Pretty

– Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone

– They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin’ Out

– Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

– When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I’ll Think You’re Walking In

– You Can’t Have Your Kate And Edith Too

– You Can’t Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd

– You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat

– You Were Only A Splinter In My Ass As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life

– You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly


 


How do you fit 100 drummers in a phone booth?
Throw in a food stamp

How do you get em out?
Throw in a bar of soap

Why are bass players steering wheels so small?
so they can drive with handcuffs on

Why do flys have wings?
to beat the drummers to the trash can.

What do a conductor and a sperm have in common?
only one out of a million work.

There’s a deer and a conductor lying dead in the road, whats the difference?
there is skid marks in front ofthe deer.

A drummer and a bass player both fall off a building, who hits the ground first?
who cares.

Why don’t bass players play hide and seek?
because no one will look for them.

Why do guitarist make great astronauts?
because all they take up is space in school.

Who won the drummer beauty contest?
nobody.

What do you get when you cross a drummer and an ape?
a retarted ape.

What are the three most difficult years in a bass players life?
second grade.

Why are scientists breeding guitarist instead of rats for science expirements?
because they breed faster and you don’t get as attatched to them.

How do you give a drummer a concusion?
smash his head with the toilet seat while he’s drinking.

What do you say to a guitarist in a three- piece suit?
will the defendent please rise.

What do you call a bass playing sky diving?
instant air pollution.

What do you call a conductor without a lawnmower?
unemployed.

What do you call a building full of guitarist?
jail.


 


Q: How many drummers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q: What do you have when a keyboard player is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: When guitarist die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys!

Q: How do you get a drummer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: How do you stop a guitar player from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: What is the definition “lucky break?”
A: When a busload of bass players goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a “crying shame”?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: Have you heard about the conductors word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Q: What’s the difference between a catfish and a drummer?
A: One’s a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other’s just a fish.

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of bass players?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.

Q: What does a guitar player and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a 1-in-3 million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Where can you find a good drummer?
A: In the cemetery

Q: What do bass players use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: Why did the post office recall the new guitar player stamps?
A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

Q: What is the ideal weight of a drummer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.

Q: What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead guitar player in the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a song writer?
A: A Doberman.

Q: What do you call 20 bass players skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet.

Q: If you see a guitar player on a bicycle, why would you swerve to avoid hitting him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a talented drummer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

Q: You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a guitar player You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: You shoot the guitar player. Twice.

Q: Do you know what happens when a bass player takes Viagra?
A: He gets taller.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed bass player?
A: – Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a drummer is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do only 10% of guitar players make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q: Why do drummers like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

Q: How are lead singers like lawn mowers?
A: They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.

Q: How can you tell when a drummer is well hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q: How do guitar players define a “50/50” relationship?
A: We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q: How do bass players exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q: How do you get a drummer to stop biting his nails?
A: Make him wear shoes.

Q: How does a guitar player show he’s planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q: How is Colonel Sanders like the typical keyboard player?
A: All he’s concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q: What do you do with a lead singer who thinks he’s God’s gift to women?
A: Exchange him.

Q: What should you give a keyboard player who has everything?
A: A bass player to show him how to work it.

Q: What’s a guitar players idea of honesty in a relationship?
A: Telling you his real name.

Q: What’s the best way to force a drummer to do sit ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.

Q: What’s the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent drummer?
A: Big Foot’s been spotted several times.

Q: What’s the smartest thing a guitar player can say?
A: “My wife says…”

Q: Why do drummers play sports on artificial turf?
A: To keep them from grazing.

Q: Why do lead singers need instant replay on TV sports?
A: Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for drummers than for other musicians?
A: When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Q: Did you hear about the bass player from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn’t find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box.


 


~THE BOOK OF JOBBING~

And so it came to pass, during one date, that the Sidemen were assailed by Doubts, and Darkness descended upon the Bandstand.

And the Leader turned to his quaking flock, and saith, “My children, why do you doubt me? Have I not led you through the Valley of the Loading Dock to the Promised Land of Long Breaks, Hot Meals, and Undertime?

Have I not banished the dreaded Macarena from the Set List, and allowed thee to Solo on selected numbers? Do we not play the Correct Changes for the Bridge of Girl From Ipanema, and do we not play Motown selections at the Proper Tempi? And do I not pay you all equitably, neither overpaying the Chick Singers nor underpaying the Horn Players? And are there not Charts for the Horns, so that thou need not Fake Parts?

So why doth thou protest when I call The Slim Dusty Song, or The Peter Allen Ballad? Are they not preferable to Achey Breaky Heart or anything by Celine Dion? Wouldst thou rather suffer Flung Beverage Containers or Scowls and Hectoring by the Aunts and Uncles?

And the Sidemen answered him, “But Father, we look out into the Dance Floor, and we see The Maelstrom; We fear the Youngsters with Pierced Body Parts, as well as the Ancient Ones with Canes and Walking Frames; Also do we fear the Bridesmaids with the Large Hair, and the Groomsmen with Cigars and Dishevelled Tuxedos; Also do we fear the Relatives from the Far North, as well as those from Western Australia, and from Melbourne; Also do we regard with Fear and Loathing the Function Organiser, and the Master Of Ceremonies; But mostly do we fear the Bride, and Her Mother, who ruleth the Earth, yea, even above you, our Leader.”

And the Leader looked and saw that this was true. And he took his Book, and he flung it into the Buffet Heaters; And he took his Bandstand, and he broke it over his knee; And he took his Red Bow Tie, and he rent it asunder; And he turned to the Function organiser, and he said, “Now you have no power over me, Minion of Evil.” And he turned to the Master Of Ceremonies, and he said, “I will leave by the Front Entrance”; And he turned to the Bride, and said, “Take thy Whitney Houston CD and place it where thy Groom may find it during your Honeymoon;” And he turned to the Bride’s Mother and said, “Thy Daughter is a Spoiled Brat, and I hope that she soon Divorces her Callow Husband and returneth to live with thee with her three children for the rest of thy Natural Life”

And he turned to the drummer and said, “The band is yours.”

And he went home and slept deeply and soundly, and arose the next day smiling, and began Making Calls to find work as a Sideman.


 


~ Chick Singer Offences ~

Singer’s name __________________________________
Real name _______________________________
Date of offense(s) _____ /_____ / _______

Preparation / Equipment Offenses:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Doesn’t know how to adjust mic stand-$15

Can’t figure out how to connect cable to mic-$15

Takes up over an hour getting EQ setting on monitors-$50

Still gripes about EQ setting on monitors-$75

Lays mic down on stage and walks off stage-$15

Lays mic down facing kick drum-$20

Lays mic down facing guitar amp-$25

Lays mic down facing monitor-$50

Points mic toward monitor-causing feedback during song-$75

Straight arms mic when singing-$15

Drops mic-$10

Leaves lipstick all over mic-$100

Doesn’t have set list-$10

Doesn’t have keys on set list-$15

Doesn’t have original songs charted-$20

Singing Offenses

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Doesn’t know key to songs-$10

Doesn’t know when to come in-$15

Modulates without informing band-$20

Continues singing in old key after song modulates-$30

Forgets original singer of song-$10

Dances great but sings off key and out of time-$30

Gets off key singing acapella-$200

Stands onstage but doesn’t sing harmonies-$30

Sings bad harmonies-$35

Sings harmonies already contributed by band member in song-$40

Stops song halfway through and starts over-$25

Forgets to sing bridge-$20

Forgets words-$20

Sings verses out of order in song-$15

Makes up 4th verse to 3 verse song-$100

Holds words to song while singing onstage-$20

Looks at pager while singing song-$10

Sings consistently flat-$25

Sings consistently sharp-$25

Sings too softly-$5

Just plain ol’ CANNOT SING, but buys band a round of drinks – No Charge

Sings “Stand By Your Man” in the key of A-$30

Wants to sing “Crazy” by Patsy Cline more than once a night-$100

Thinks that “Poor Pitiful Me” is a new Terri Clark song rather than old Warren Zevon song-$50

Thinks that “I Will Always Love You” is a new Whitney Houston song instead of

an old Dolly Parton song-$100

“Dolly who?”-$50

“Patsy who?”-$10


 


Stage Presence Offenses

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Leaves stage when not singing lead vocal-$20

Holds guitar, but doesn’t play-$15

Plays guitar but plays wrong chords, not plugged in-$25

Plays guitar, wrong chords, plugged in-$250

Plays tambourine-$10

Plays tambourine out of time-$50

Leaves tambourine, drink, charts, entertainer’s secrets laying all over

stage-$25

Plays harmonica solo during song-$100

Tells jokes over mic-$5

Tells bad jokes over mic-$50

Tells bad joke and then laughing hysterically about it over mic-$500

Leaves stage to argue with boyfriend-$35

Argues with band members onstage-$150

Argues offstage with boyfriend musician-$175

Argues onstage with boyfriend musician-$200

Gripes at band onstage-$20

Gripes at band onstage over mic-$75

Walks off stage to use cell phone on gig-$15

Uses cell phone on stage during gig-$30

Powders nose, sprays perfume, sprays hairspray, freshens up lipstick on

stage-$15

Thousand dollar outfit, ten dollars worth of singing lessons-$60

Other Miscellaneous Offenses

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Late for gig-$30

Dates a musician in the band-$50

Dates the drummer-$150

Sets foot on a Karaoke stage-$20

Sings on a Karaoke stage-$50

Uses fictitious last name-$50

Falls for so-called producer she meets on gig, “Hey baby, I’ll make you a

STAR”-$20

Dumps management, band, etc. after making the big time-$10,000

Hates the phrase “chick singer”-$500


 


~Chapter 22 : The Temptation of Jaco-Mo~
(How the Bass player became Perpetually Bored.)

1) And it came to pass in the Very Loud Big Band a disgruntlement upon the bassist, Jaco-Mo, which he could no longer abide.” I am first to arrive, last to leave and yet receive no more sheckels than the saxophones,” he thought unto himself. ” “I must toil like a galley slave, pulling a very large oar for the horns, only to receive their scorn, and exhortations to “dig in”. “This while they “walk the bar” and play all manner of preening blather, chorus after chorus on “Choo-Choo-Cha-Boogie” and the hated “Caledonia”. All this began to chafe on Jaco-Mo in such exceeding fashion that he did stray from the written line and blasphemously “take it out”.

2) This provoked an outcry amongst the horns and especially the Female Vocalist Who Could Not Count until finally the Leader did chastise Jaco-Mo, ” Lo, you have caused the horns great consternation, and led astray the Female Vocalist Who Cannot Count three times on this gig. I have no recourse but to docketh sheckels from your pay.”

3) One night after a particularly arduous engagement, Jaco-Mo sat disconsolately at the bar in his tuxedo, the Badge of Shame. Presently, a somewhat seedy character sidled up him.”Say man, you want a gig?” He hissed,”It’s a trio, man, smoking, play whatever you want, solo on every tune, and we’re done at 10 O’clock. C’mon man, lose the monkey suit! Free up, baby! ”

4.) And Jaco-Mo was sorely tempted, for he sorely wished to free up and shed The Badge of Shame, and solo on every tune. And so he agreed, and subbeth not his gig with the Very Loud Big Band. “I will surely show them, for I shall be sorely missed, ” he thought. “Then they will appreciate the toil of Jaco-Mo.”

5.) The time came for Jaco-Mo to make the trio gig and he followed the directions to the club. “This is a very bad part of town,”he said to himself, as he double checked the locks on his conveyance. And the people on the street did look covetously on Jaco-Mo as he made his way up the street with his Bass, perhaps to separate him from it or the brand new turtleneck he had chosen for his raiment.

6.) But the gig was all he had wished for. They played at fantastic tempos no human could dance to, they traded 4’s, 8’s, 2’s, and the like and lo, they did “take it out” repeatedly. All three patrons of the establishment were duly impressed and stayed until the end, one even beseeching Jaco-Mo for a ride home.

7.) Thence came the time of remuneration, and the leader did hand Jaco-Mo but 11 sheckels ($ 4.37 US). As he did so he said,” Swingin’ baby, you down for Saturday night?”

8.) Jaco-Mo was in a quandary as he walked to his conveyance. He had played what he wished, indeed, “taken it out”, but had only enough sheckels for Ramen and perhaps a gallon of gas. As he unlocked his ride he realized his CD Player had been plucked from the dash !

9.) Now Jaco-Mo was miserable, and decided to drop by the Wedding Reception to see how the Very Loud Big Band was doing. At least they would be sorry and beg him to come back. As Jaco-Mo mounted the stairs he heard bass ! Not real bass though, something not of the bass world, but somehow passing for bass. And as he reached the top of the stairs, there was the keyboard player, doing Jaco-Mo ‘s job with his left hand .

10.) Came the intermission, and the players did disperse to the buffet line , some with their Tupperware hidden beneath the Badge of Shame, that they might avail themselves of the repast at a later date, and avoid Ramen. Jaco-Mo threw himself on the mercy of the Leader, ” My conveyance broke down, and I got here as soon as I could”, he sputtered dishonestly. “I can start the next set.” The Leader, having gone through many bass players, fixed his gaze on Jaco-Mo, and spoke unto him,” What’s up with the turtleneck?”

11.) The Leader spoke as thunder now, “If thou dost return, Jaco-Mo, do thy swear to not stray again from the printed page? “Yes!,” blurted Jaco-Mo weakly ( rent was due). “And thou shalt not lose the Female Vocalist Who Cannot Count again ?” “I promise,” he groveled , for he did miss his CD player, and wished to be anointed at the buffet line, that he might avoid Ramen. “All right Jaco-Mo , as your penance , go to the Road Case and don the Powder Blue Badge of Shame for the rest of the gig.”And as a final warning he said, “Do not cross me again, son, or I will give your gig back to the keyboard player’s left hand.”

12.) And so Jaco-Mo did once more assume the yoke of duty in the rhythm section, in the Powder Blue Tux. His face became a blank mask of perpetual boredom, whether The Female Singer Who Could Not Count was smiling at him, (for he never lost her again),or the horns scornfully exhorted him to “dig in. “Jaco-Mo learned the hard way : It is better to eat than “take it out! Amen?


 


~Noah and the Band~

And so in the dark of night the Lord awoke Noah, and spoke to him. “Noah, awake and heed my words!”

And Noah, being sore afraid and disoriented, did cry out, “Who goeth there?”

And the Lord did smite him upside the head, saying, “It is the Lord of all things, dummy!”

And Noah did tremble, saying, “Lord, why hast Thou wakened me?” And the Lord did say, “Noah, build me a Jobbing Band” “For the earth will be visited by a plague of Brides, followed by forty days of Trade Shows and forty nights of Awards Banquets.” And Noah did say, “But Lord, will I not be thy Leader?’

And the Lord did smite him again, saying, “Fool, thou wilt be my Contractor. Ask not why!” And Noah did bow his head, saying, “Yes, my Lord. And what will this Leader play?” And the Lord said, “It mattereth little, whether he play or not, or whether he be proficient or not. For his job shall primarily be to talk to the Brides and their Mothers, and to deal with Clients, and to count off Tempos wrong, and to inquire as to whether Overtime will happen, and to try to segue tunes that should not be segued. If he playeth any instrument, thou must always have another player of that instrument in the band, just to be safe.”

And Noah did say, “And what else shall this Leader do?” And the Lord replied, “It shall be his job to spread Bad Information and Confusion amongst the Sidemen, and to pit them one against the other, and to delay all Payments.” “Further shall it be his job, until we can afford a Soundman, to create Feedback, and to invent new Equalization Curves therefore.” And Noah did shake his head in wonder, saying, “Lord, Thy ways are Strange and Mysterious. What more shall I do?”

And the Lord said, “Next, find Me a Rhythm Section. “First, find me a Drummer. and three things above all must this Drummer possess.” And Noah did ask, “What are these Three Things? Double Bass Drums? An Electronic Kit? Congas?” And the Lord did smite Noah again, saying, “Second-guess Me not, my servant. First, this Drummer must have slightly imperfect time, so that whenever he playeth a Fill (and he shall play many), he always emergeth at a different place, sometimes early and sometimes late, but thou may not guess which. “And second, he must be Supremely Discontent, always hoping for the Big Break which will lead to him playing with Chick Corea or Madonna, so that he despiseth Jobbing. “And third, he must always be convinced of his Righteousness in all things, including Time, Volume, Tempo and Feel, so that he argueth always with the Bass Player.”

And Noah did say, “As you command, Lord. And what next?” And the Lord did say, “Thou art learning, Noah. Next shall be the Bass Player. And he shall be Bored. That is all.”

And Noah did say, “Of course. And next, my Lord?” “Next shall be the Keyboard Player. And he shall play as if he has twenty fingers, and he shall ply Substitute upon Substitute, until no man may name the Chord, and he will not be helpful. “Furthermore, he shall always be Late. And he shall always be trying out New Gear, of which he has no knowledge.”

And Noah did wonder aloud, “Lord, great is Thy Wisdom!” “Next shall be the Guitar Player. And he shall be a Rock Guitar Player. And he shall be Loud, and he shall sing “Old Time Rock n’ Roll”. Also shall he not know The Page, and so shall rely upon his Ears, which have been damaged by exposure to High Sound Pressure Levels. For the Guitarists who Read shall already be playing Shows, and will be making the Big Shekels. “And his tux shall be the Rattiest.” And Noah did say, “It shall be done.”

And the Lord did say, “Next thou shall need Horns. “First shall be the Saxophones. And ye shall know them as Beboppers. And they shall play their Bird Quotes in every song, yea, even the Celine Dion ballad. And they shall Get High on every break, and make the Long Faces all night long, but especially when “In The Mood” is called.

“Next shall be the Trumpeters. And they shall every one attempt to take everything Up an Octave, and fail frequently. And of Changes they shall know nothing.

“And finally shall be the Trombone Player. And many jokes will be made about him, for he will have a Beeper, as well as a Day Job, and he will be the first to be Cut from the Band.”

And Noah, taking many notes, did say, “Mighty is the Lord!” “Next shall be the String Players. Find me Three Women, and attach pickups to their Violins that are more ancient even than Myself, so that their instruments screecheth and causeth great pain. ‘And their job shall be to dress in Evening Gowns, and to Fake Parts on all Ballads, and to occasionally Stroll, and to complain about the Volume, and the Intonation, and to impede the Swing.”

And Noah did say, “What else can be left, Lord?” “And the Lord did say, “Finally, find me the Singers. “And they shall be Three, one a Male, and two Females. “And the Male shall be a Strutting Peacock, with the Rock ‘n Roll Hair, and he shall never have to wear The Tuxedo, and also shall he play The Harmonica. “And of the Females, one shall be Black and one shall be White. And the Black one shall ALWAYS sing the Aretha songs, And the Disco. And the White one shall ALWAYS sing the Power Ballads, and the Country Songs. But both shall share the Motown Medley, and shall sing Backup for the Male, And forget the Words, and be Late, and know nothing of Keys or Form. And they shall leave every gig immediately, having never touched a piece of Equipment. “And they shall be paid many more shekels than the Sidemen. Ask not why.” And Noah did say, ” As Thou sayest, my Lord.”

And the Lord did command him, “Search high and low for these, as not every musician can fulfill these requirements. And though we have No Work yet, a Commitment must be secured from All. And while you’re at it, start looking for Subs.” And Noah did say, “Lord, Thy will be done.” And it was.


 


~Musical Terms Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians~

Diminished Fifth — An empty bottle of Jack Daniels

Perfect Fifth — A full bottle of Jack Daniels

Ritard — There’s one in every family

Relative Major — An uncle in the Marine Corps

Relative Minor — A girlfriend

Big Band — When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players

Pianissimo — “Refill this beer bottle”

Repeat — What you do until they just expel you

Treble — Women ain’t nothin’ but

Bass — The things you run around in softball

Portamento — A foreign country you’ve always wanted to see

Conductor — The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham

Arpeggio — “Ain’t he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?”

Tempo — Good choice for a used car

A 440 — The highway that runs around Nashville

Transpositions — Men who wear dresses

Cut Time– Parole

Order of Sharps — What a wimp gets at the bar

Passing Tone– Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues

High C– The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low

Perfect Pitch — The smooth coating on a freshly paved road

Tuba — A compound word: “Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!”

Cadenza — That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes

Whole Note — What’s due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year

Clef — What you try never to fall off of

Bass Clef — Where you wind up if you do fall off

Altos — Not to be confused with “Tom’s toes,” “Bubba’s toes” or “Dori-toes”

Minor Third– Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling

Melodic Minor — Loretta Lynn’s singing dad

12-Tone Scale –The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with

Quarter Tone — What most standard pickups can haul

Sonata — What you get from a bad cold or hay fever

Clarinet — Name used on your second daughter if you’ve already used Betty Jo

Cello — The proper way to answer the phone

Bassoon — Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when

French Horn — Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.

Cymbal — What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with

Bossa Nova — The car your foreman drives

Time Signature — What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in

First Inversion –Grandpa’s battle group at Normandy

Staccato — How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home

Major Scale — What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: “Darn! That was a major scale!”

Aeolian Mode– How you like Mama’s cherry pie

Bach Chorale — The place behind the barn where you keep the horses


 


THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER FROM THE PERCUSSIONIST’S PERSPECTIVE~

Oh, say can you BOOM, CRASH
By the dawn’s early BOOM, CRASH
What so proudly we BOOM, CRASH
At the twilight’s last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright BOOM,CRASH
Through the perilous BOOM, CRASH
O’er the ramparts we BOOM, CRASH
Were so gallantly streaming? 3 &
1…2…3…
2…2…3…
3…2…3…
4…2…3…
5…2…3…
6…2…3…
7…2…3…
8…2…Oh,
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOOOOMMMM; BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOOOOMMMM; BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!