Musician Jokes – page 6

Welcome to the Worlds Largest Collection of Musician Jokes, No instrument, musician or music style is sacred here.

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* Some jokes are Politically incorrect, off color, slightly suggestive and laced with moderate bathroom humor but the X, XX, XXX stuff is not here … Brought to you by the good folks at: www.ducksdeluxe.com your 7 year old twin sisters have to be able to look at this page without getting into trouble… Enjoy! Dr.Duck

The Worlds Largest Collection of Musician Jokes does not necessarily express the views of Willy’s Custom Guitar Repair or Ducks Deluxe (they are just jokes…) Let the jokes begin…


 
What’s the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.

Why are conductor’s hearts so coveted for transplants?
They’ve had so little use.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. “I’m
sorry, he’s dead,” comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times,
always getting the same reply form the receptionist. At last she asks
him why he keeps calling. “I just like to hear you say it.”

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.

How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
“One, two, three; one, two, three.”

What’s the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn’t.

What’s the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would’ve done it.

How do you get a violist to play down bow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it “solo.”

What’s the best recording of the Walton Viola Concerto?
“Music Minus One”

How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
Write “pp, espressivo” on the music.

What’s the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.

What’s the difference between a violin and a viola?

There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist’s head is so much bigger.

What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.

Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high!

String players’ motto: “It’s better to be sharp than out of tune.”

Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

What’s the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.

Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Violins don’t have spit valves.

Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?
You might bend the nail.

A violinist says to his wife, “Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin.”
His wife replies, “I’d rather have you play me like a harmonica!”

Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. “There’s not much room on this page,” he said. “What shall I write?” Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: “Write your repertoire.”

“Haven’t I seen your face before?” a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. “You have, Your Honor,” the man answered hopefully. “I gave your son violin lessons last winter.” “Ah, yes,” recalled the judge. “Twenty years

How do you get a ‘cellist to play fortissimo?
Write “pp, espressivo”

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.

NAME OF OFFENDER – ___________________________
INFRACTION DATE – _____________________________

MUSICAL OFFENSES FINE

[ ]Playing loudly during warm up $10
[ ]Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
[ ]Loud cursing after mistake $10
[ ]Playing high and fast after mistake $20
[ ]Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
[ ]Asking for “E” tuning note $25
[ ]Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50
[ ]Playing written-out walking line $50
[ ]Failure to play written walking line $75
[ ]Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
[ ]Writing beat numbers under dotted figures $50
[ ]Playing eighth notes $5 each
[ ]Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
[ ]Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
[ ]Dragging fast tempo $75
[ ]Dragging ballad tempo $100
[ ]Blacking out during ballad $200
[ ]Ignoring drummer’s tempo $100
[ ]Following drummer’s tempo $250
[ ]Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000

UPRIGHT PLAYERS

[ ]Showing up before first downbeat $25
[ ]Playing audibly $25
[ ]Faking changes $25
[ ]Slapping $150
[ ]Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25
[ ]Excessive sweating $25
[ ]Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50
[ ]Asking leader for a solo $30
[ ]Accepting solo when offered $50
[ ]Taking second chorus $100
[ ]Playing solo arco $400
[ ]Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100
[ ]Playing “A Train” ending on every tune $200
[ ]Playing extended “A Train” ending on every tune $500

ELECTRIC PLAYERS

[ ]Checking hair between tunes $15
[ ]Experimenting with odd meters $25
[ ]Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
[ ]Playing with a pick $50
[ ]Tuning during ballad $30
[ ]Playing Jaco groove on samba $75
[ ]Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150
[ ]Attempting last word on final chord $50
[ ]Achieving last word on final chord $100
[ ]Long gliss down to final note $200

EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS – ELECTRIC

[ ]Forgetting strap $10
[ ]Changing strings after every set $15
[ ]Using electric tuner $15
[ ]Setting up mic “just in case” $75
[ ]Forgetting to turn amp on $40
[ ]Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
[ ]Asking horn player for help moving amp $25
[ ]Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
[ ]Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
[ ]Skull decals on bass $150
[ ]Bringing fretless bass $500

CRIMINAL BAD TASTE

[ ]Telling bone player about all the gigs you get $10
[ ]Asking bone player about their day gig $10
[ ]Sitting behind drums on break $10
[ ]Quoting “Birdland” $25
[ ]Practicing scales during break $25
[ ]Practicing scales during drum solo $50
[ ]Practicing $150
[ ]Beginning a sentence with “When I was a guitar player…” $50
[ ]Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are “into sequencing” $10

BASIC STUPIDITY

[ ]Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
[ ]Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
[ ]Asking when the rock set starts $20
[ ]Continually asking “where are we?” $25
[ ]Continually shouting “Yeah!” $25
[ ]Asking bone player where “1” is $50
[ ]Taking cellphone call during 4’s $100

~ Secrets of the Music Biz ~

1. The badness of a musical composition is directly proportional to the number of violas in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why instrumental parts are written in transposed pitch. (Especially trumpet parts in E.)

3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have perfect pitch are telling you that their sense of relative pitch is defective.

4. The most valuable function performed by a Wagnerian opera is its ability to drown out a rock concert.

5. You should never say anything to a sideman that even remotely sounds like a compliment unless you are prepared to pay double scale.

6. A string sample saved is worthless.

7. Wynton Marsalis can hold all the Lincoln Center Jazz Concerts he wants. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms will still prefer Yanni.

8. The most powerful force in the universe is Andrew Lloyd Webber.

9. The one thing that unites all non-musicians, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, they all have below-average musical taste.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your musical talent. That time is age 11.

11. There is a very fine line between “arranging” and “mental illness.”

12. People who want you to listen to their music almost never want to listen to yours.

13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates music for television dramas. When TV composers need a new dramatic cue, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible musical themes, it spits out, “ONE LONG LOW SCARY NOTE ON A SYNTHESIZER, ” and this becomes the cue. The next time they need a cue, the computer spits out, “TWO LONG SCARY NOTES ON A SYNTHESIZER.” And so on, ad infinitum. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers – – along with TV producers and entertainment lawyers.

14. No group singer is normal.

15. At least once per year, Bill Conti will become very excited and announce that: (1) His producers loved the first theme he played for them; (2) They loved the second theme even more than the first; (3) He has never composed anything they didn’t love.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason composers have not achieved, and never will achieve their full potential, that word would be “copyists.”

17. The main accomplishment of Disney Studios was the film “Fantasia” in which they ripped-off Stravinsky’s “Rite of Spring” by paying his agent $2500, of which Stravinsky received $500.

18. The value of a composer’s agent is to convince the producer that using a music-cue library would not be cheaper than hiring a composer.

19. If there really is a Devil who is out to destroy the universe by means of vile conspiracies, and if God decides to deliver this message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger – – Oliver Stone. But John Williams will write the score.

20. You should not confuse your lack of musical talent with your inferiority complex.

21. A movie producer who is suddenly nice to you is not really a nice person. It means he is thinking about hiring another composer, probably John Williams.

22. No matter what happens at a recording session (for example, the players shout “Bravo” and applaud) somebody will still find something wrong with your music, and the producer will begin to have doubts. Serious doubts.

23. When musical problems in a film arise and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is the producer’s brother-in-law. He is a (budding) composer.

24. Your friends love you, even if you are tone-deaf.

25. Nobody cares if you can’t compose music well. Just go ahead and compose. You are sure to succeed… if you suck up to the right person.

How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society’s annual performance of Handel’s Messiah. He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, “Would you like a moment to tune?” The bass player replied with some surprise, “Why? Isn’t it the same as last year?”

At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: “You are out of tune. Check it, please!” The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, “Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight.” The first violist turns around and shouts, “You bloody idiot! It’s not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!”

Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house. Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was. “Great,” says Joe. “You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom’–well there are some guys uptop singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time.”

Lute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.

Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

How long does a harp stay in tune?
About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.

What’s the definition of a quarter tone?
A harpist tuning unison strings.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.

Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.

Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, “If that’s my agent, tell him I’m working!”

What does a German Hammond organist do in his life’s most tender moments?
He puts his Leslie on “slow”.

The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the Majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.

Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, “Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?”
The other replies, “That was no piccolo, that was my fife.”

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.

What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.

What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.

What is the definition of a major second?
Two baroque oboes playing in unison.

How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.

What’s the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A bad oboist can kill you.

How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he’ll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

What’s the definition of “nerd?”
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

What’s the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
1.Lawn mowers sound better in small ensemles.
2.The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don’t return it.
3.The grip.

What’s the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
The exhaust.

What is the difference between a drummer and a large pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of four.

A Jazz Guitarist’s Dilemma! ~

If you have a lot of chops and use them .. you play too many notes

If you don’t have a lot of chops ..you don’t play enough notes

If you’re a high energy player ..you don’t play with enough feeling

If you play with lots of feeling you’re too sappy

If you like a fat round sound..your sound is too fat

If you thin out your sound..you’re sound is too thin

If you play a lot of chordal solo’s..why does he play so many chords?

If you chord work is sparce..he doesn’t play enough chords.

If you use heavy strings..why does he use such heavy strings?

If you use lighter strings..he should use heavier strings to sound better

If you sit and play..why doesn’t he stand?

If you stand why doesn’t he sit?

If you smile..what’s wrong with him?

If you don’t smile..what’s wrong with him?

If you play two measures in octaves..Wes was a big influence

If you play more than two measures in octaves..you sound just like Wes

If you like to play “out” what’s he doing, can he really play?

If you play ” inside”. Yeah! But can he really play?

If you play an Archtop ..why does he need such a big guitar

If you play a solid-body that’s not a jazz guitar

If you’re not a good reader..he can’t read

If you’re a good reader..why?..some of the best players couldn’t read

If you like to dress up and look neat..who does he think he is?

If you don’t look neat..he’s still a hippie

If you grow a beard..what’s he hiding?

If you’re clean shaven..he doesn’t look like a jazz musician

Finally

You introduce yourself as a jazz guitarist …

Oh God! Not another guitar player!

Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.

What’s the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don’t know either.

How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
“Hi. I’m better than you.”

How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
The doorbell shrieks!

Why can’t a gorilla play trumpet?
He’s too sensitive.

In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started goingimprovising madly when she wasn’t supposed to play at all. After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, “I looked in the score and it said `tacit’–so I took it!”

What’s the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
1.Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
2.It’s easier to improvise on a chainsaw.

How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
1.Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
2.Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!

How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
The doorbell drags.

What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.

How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he’ll do it too loudly.

How do you know when there’s a trombonist at your door?
His hat says “Domino’s Pizza”

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist’s car?
Take the Domino’s Pizza sign off the roof.

How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn’t know how to use the slide, and he can’t swing.

What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
On or off.

It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!

How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
Have them miss every other note.

How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

What is the difference between a french horn section and a ’57 Chevy?
You can tune a ’57 Chevy.

What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A goalpost that can’t march.

How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he’ll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
1.”Hi. I played that last year.”
2.”Hi. I did that piece in junior high.”

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?” “Nah,” the first girl replied. “That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all.” The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was his kissing?” “Ugh!” the first girl exclaimed. “Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!” The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was his kissing?” “Well,” the first girl replied, “his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!”

How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink ’till the room spins.

How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.

These two tuba players walk past a bar… Well, it could happen!

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don’t have to retrain the drummers.

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.

How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.

How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
1.”Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?”
2.Only one, but he’ll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can’t just be pushed in.
3.Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
4.Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
5.None. They have a machine to do that.

Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don’t disgrace themselves in parades.

Heard backstage: “Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!”

In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq. The agent said “If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal–he’s the large guy with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes.” Ed hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way. Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard–wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent’s card and Faisal’s face brightened into a huge smile. “You’re just in time–I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment.” “But,” gasped Ed, “what about a rehearsal?” “No time–don’t worry.” And with that, Faisal disappeared. Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat. “Wait.” shouted Ed. “What are we playing?” Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, “Fake it! Just give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13.”

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, “I’d like to look at the accordions, please.” The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says “All our accordions are over there.” After browsing, the drummer says, “I think I’d like the big red one in the corner.” The store owner looks at him and says, “You’re a drummer, aren’t you?” The drummer, crestfallen, says, “How did you know?” The store owner says, “That `big red accordion’ is the radiator.”

What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians?
A bodhran player.

What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.

How do you know when there is a bodhran player at your front door?
The knocking gets faster and faster and faster.

What do bodhran players use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What’s the best thing to play a bodhran with?
A razor blade.

If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
1.The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
2.Who cares?

What’s the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
The lipstick.

What’s the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
The jewelry.

How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
1.One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
2.Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
3.Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.

What’s the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman? Stage makeup.

What’s the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
About 10 pounds.

How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
Some people actually like sewer rats.

What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?
One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.

How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
The horses seem very relieved.

What’s the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sightread.

A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told “Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven–right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem–God’s girlfriend gets to sing.”

What’s the difference between an alto and a tenor?
Tenors don’t have hair on their backs.

Ouch!! You’re too old to play gigs when…..

1. It becomes more important to find a place on stage for your fan than for your amp.

2. Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf.

3. All your fans leave by 9:30 p.m.

4. All you want from groupies is a foot massage and back rub.

5. You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most of your play list.

6. Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie.

7. You don’t know (or care) who any of the new bands are.

8. You need your glasses to see the amp settings.

9. You’ve thrown out your back jumping off the stage.

10. You feel like hell before the gig even starts.

11. The waitress is your daughter.

12. You stop the set because your ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.

13. Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.

14. You find your drink tokens from last month’s gig in your guitar case.

15. You refuse to play without earplugs.

16. You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 9:30.

17. You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.

18. Your gig stool has a back.

19. You’re related to at least one member in the band.

20. You don’t let any one sit in.

21. You need a nap before the gig.

22. After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.

23. During the breaks, you now go to the van to lay down.

24. You prefer a music stand with a light.

25. You don’t recover from a Saturday night gig until Tuesday afternoon.

26. You hope the host’s speech lasts forever…..

27. You buy amps considering their weight and not their tone or cool factor.

28. Feeling guilty looking at hot women at the bar ’cause they’re younger than your daughter.

29. You can remember seven different club names for the same location …

30. You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in 7 days and could physically do it

31. Your set list is dance able.

32. You think “homey” means cozy and warm

33. You have to look over your glasses to check your PA connections.

34. You’re playing the same venue in three months and you ask the club owner if you can leave your amp!

35. Most of the band members are a lot younger than you.

36. Your son is waiting for the gig to end to drive you and your stuff home, then go back out and party…

37. Your date couldn’t make it because she couldn’t find a sitter for the grandkids…

38. In consideration of your age, the audience requests some British invasion.

39. On all out of town gigs you draw straws to see who the driver will be coming home.

40. You start listing your truss as a “business expense”.

41. You forget to take your Flowmax so all sets that night are only 15 minutes long.

42. When you get a “Cease and Desist” letter from the Spandex co.

43. When you play 2 nights in a row, and the next day your body aches like you played in the Super Bowl!

44. Or, you play a Wednesday night gig and call into work sick on Thursday and Friday..

45. When the only “Stones” you care about are in your gallbladder or kidney.

46. You have to charge extra money if there are any steps to climb.

47. Your hearing has deteriorated so badly that you actually ask the guitar player to “turn himself up.

48. You call out the next song only to have someone remind you played it 10 minutes earlier.

49. Your drugs are keeping you alive rather than killing you.

50. You worry more about breaking a hip than being hip.

52. Musicians half your age are in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame or have appeared on postage stamps.

53. The only white powder to be found amongst the band members is foot talc.

ROCK ON!!!

How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1.None. They can’t get that high.
2.Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, “Isn’t that a little high for you?”

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.

How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven’t been touched.

Where is a tenor’s resonance?
Where his brain should be.

What’s the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.

Did you hear about the tenor who announced that in the following season he would only sing three title roles: Othello,Samson, and Forza del Destino? (true story)

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea.

How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?
Hold out a check (but don’t be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).

How do you tell if a bass is dead?
1.What’s the difference?
2.Who cares?

In the last act of Don Giovanni, there is always a statue which is replaced at some point by a real singer, a bass (the Commendatore). How can you tell when the switch has occurred?
The “statue” starts looking a bit stiff.

How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’re so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.

Why do musicians tour the most in the summer?
So they can visit all their kids.

What is the difference between the men’s final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
The tennis final has more men.

How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?
The performance causes more suffering.

Why do high school choruses travel so often?
Keeps assassins guessing.

What’s the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage

What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
It’s scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.

What’s the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has greater dynamic range.

What’s the least-used sentence in the English language?
“Isn’t that the banjo player’s Porsche?”

There’s nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it’s the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: “Don’t forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string.”

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.

How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Put a chart in front of him.

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
Who cares?

What’s the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

What do you call ten accordians at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What’s a bassoon good for?
Kindling for an accordion fire.

What’s a accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.

What do you call a group of topless female accordian players?
Ladies in Pain

Bumper Stickers:
1.Play an accordian–go to jail!
2.Three rows and you’re out!

Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:

Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
Accordionist: 60 miles